I’m really not sure where to begin. But looking back at how we started is the only way I know in order to figure this all out. For sure, there’s only one thing learned from all of this and that’s never assume anything.

I remember how it all started. I saw you one night coming home from work and I was immediately smitten. Yes, you were one of the most handsome guys I’ve seen in the condo and I set my goal into getting you to bed. I’m a whore, yes I admit. And all I wanted was to sleep with you and forget all about it.

So I waited, every chance I get to just see you. I spotted you on this app and started talking to you there. While you didn’t know it was me, I did my best to play it cool. Didn’t ask you to sleep with me at once or anything. I tried to be as decent as possible. Which, for me, is kind of really a challenge. And then one day we were talking that led you back to my room for drinks and a movie. A netflix and chill moment way before that phrase was even invented.

You made the first move. You kissed me and then we had sex. Days passed and we built a routine. You’d come home from work, meet me after, we’ll watch a movie and then you’ll go back to your room before dawn.

It was cool, we had some “thing” going on between us. And then it got deeper. We’ve gotten closer. Months passed and I assumed we’re special to each other. I assumed that we’re exclusive. But I guess, the more time you spend with someone, the more you see their flaws. I didn’t mind. You see, we’re not together so I don’t have the right to be angry if you use Tinder or other social chatting apps to talk to other people. My heart was breaking every time Tinder notifies you have a new match. It sucks, because I was almost there… almost falling. I was hurt but I guess it’s my fault because, again, I assumed wrong. I assumed we were something more than just friends.

You’ve lied to me countless of times. And through all of that I stayed. I don’t know why really. I stayed with you, by your side when everything in your life was falling apart. I took care of you when you were sick. I jeopardized my own job just to be with you hoping that by then you’ve had already changed your mind about me. About us. I was wrong. I was hoping for something that I couldn’t get so maybe that’s why I stayed.

So I turned a blind eye through all of it. Technically, you’re not cheating. Technically, we’re not together. Technically, this isn’t a relationship. What this is, is friendship. But fuck it. Friends don’t do what we do. Friends don’t hug each other passionately (well, on my part) and friends don’t kiss each other on the lips. And above all else, friends don’t fuck with each other.

So yes. I stayed through all the bullshit and all the lies. Because I hoped. Because I assumed. Because I knew one day you’ll change and see my worth. I gave you everything I could even if I had nothing. I sacrificed what little I have to make you feel comfortable. I went out of my way to do shit for you and this is how you repay me?

Yes. I’m stupid. Yes. I know the answer. I know you didn’t ask all of these from me. I offered. I offered to help you out because that’s what friends do. Because you’re special to me. But you choose to fuck with me over and over again.

You went to Pampanga with your mom and her fiancé. I knew you were with someone one night. I confronted you about it and lied to my face. I went home from our company’s Christmas party, called and texted you but received no response. The next day I got a message from you, you were “asleep” but I know. I know the truth. You were hanging out with someone in the car til 6 am.

But I stayed. I’m still here. Right? And what next?

I’m still just your friend. Always been a friend. And I’m afraid that after all of these, I’ll be just a friend to you. You’ll find someone else, you’ll fall in love, you’ll get into a relationship. And I’ll be here. Your friend.

It sucks. So bad. But I have to accept it. There’s really nothing much I can do I guess. I’ve done everything I could. If it’s not enough, it’s fine. I’ll move on. I just regret the time I wasted, the choices I made just to keep you… happy and satisfied when I could’ve offered my love and attention to someone who deserves it.

There’s a popular quote, “If you can love the wrong person that much, imagine what you can do if the right one comes along.” And I guess, I’m holding on to that. To that kind of love. To that kind of person. Someone who will appreciate everything I’m doing. Yes. I’m not expecting anything back. I’m not really that type who wants rewards for all of this. I guess, all I really want is to be shown some respect.

Anyway, I’ve already given up on you. On us. On what we have. I’m here. Still here. Because you’re a good friend. But I’ve given up all hope that we could be something more than that and I’m ok with that. Maybe I’m not the right person and it’s fine. I know I’ll find someone who will think I’m the right one for them.

So, this is me signing off. This is me giving you your freedom back. Freedom to do what you want, see whomever you wish to see. This is me letting you go because holding on to whatever shit we have right now is taking its toll. I love you. I loved you. But I can’t love you anymore.

I won’t hold on to any grudges anymore. You did what you did. But I can’t be the same person anymore. I can’t be the same guy you’ve met and fell head over heels with you. I’m not the same guy who will do anything just to make you happy. No. I refuse to be the same guy. I refuse to be the guy who’s willing to give up everything to make you happy and fuck me back.

I don’t need you more than you need me. You will survive this. You will find someone and I hope that someone will accept everything you are as a whole because I know for a fact that no one, no one can ever love you as much as I do. Just talk to my exes.

I’m done. Goodbye.

One response »

  1. rjbalboa says:

    This broke my heart, Jake.

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