I’ve always been a sad kid. Well, not everyone thinks I am but that’s how I’ve always seen myself as far as I could remember. When I was in grade school there was nothing more I wanted than a stroller. Everyone in the class has one except me. At first, I didn’t mind but eventually I realized how convenient it is to have one. I’ve always used a backpack and it’s taking a toll on my shoulders and back. Imagine bringing home your books to school everyday – I’m actually surprised it didn’t affect my growth (vertically). So, one day we we’re walking back home from somewhere I could no longer remember. I saw this stroller and asked my mom if we could buy it. She said no because we didn’t have enough money back then. I wanted it so badly but I also understood our situation. We weren’t rich so I simply accepted our situation. When we got home I remember going straight to my room and cry. It wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t want my mom to see I was upset about the whole thing because I didn’t want her to feel guilty at all for not being able to buy it for me. I was fine. Honestly. I just need some space to let it all out, get some sleep and forget about it. That’s how I’ve always been and even now I deal with pain, rejection and hurt the same way I’ve dealt with them since I was a kid. I deal with them alone. I cry alone and get over it. Sleep cures everything. Sleep helps you forget.
I fell asleep crying. The next thing I remember was my mom sitting beside me. I know how she felt and the pain of not being able to provide your son what he wants must’ve been painful for her as a mother. I could live without that stroller. I’ve been using my backpack as far as I could remember so I don’t think it would make any difference whether I got a stroller or not.
So when I’m quiet, when I feel like being alone, it’s just me processing my feelings. The last thing I want is to say something I’d regret. The last thing I want is for the people around me to feel guilty, to feel sad for me. So at the end of the day, I know I’ll be fine.