Hey, you. Yes, I’m talking to you in here because I know you’ll never get to read this anyway. And because these are the things I know I’ll never ever have the courage to tell you in person. So here it goes….

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I don’t really know how you feel about me. Because honestly,  I’m not really sure what the fuck we’re doing… but I’m happy when I’m with you. Happy when we’re together… but not so much when you’re not around. And so here I go again. In a painful cycle as before. Allowing myself, my life to revolve around someone else. Adjusting to your needs and catering to your every whim when I know that it’s all because I’m convenient. I’m that doormat. That cliched hopeless romantic who always sees the good in everyone. The blind fool who refuses to see any fault. That when it’s all over, I’ll see myself again broken. Shattered in so many little pieces.

I know you’ll leave soon. I know things will start changing once distance comes between us. Things will never be the same again. It will be awkward. It will be devastatingly painful. Well, at least on my part. But it’s going to be okay. I’m used to it.

From the very start I knew this wasn’t meant to be. We we’re never meant to be together because all the odds were against us. As cliche as it may sound but you’re so out of my league. You’re that someone everyone wants… that sometimes I wonder how can I compete with the others? I’ve got nothing to offer. I’m just me. Ordinary. Poor me.

I tried. And that’s all I can say. At the end of it all, I won’t have any regrets because I know for a fact that I gave my all. And if it’s not enough for you then it’s fine with me. Because honestly, I’m tired. Tired of always fighting for what I want, for what I believe in, for love… and if you decide to leave, to let me go and set me free then I’ll walk away. I won’t be bitter. And I won’t look back. I won’t let you see my cry. I won’t let you know how I feel. Because I don’t want you to feel guilty for saying goodbye. I don’t want you to feel like you’ve made the wrong choice. I won’t make you regret your decision. It is what it is. Things do happen for a reason.

You’ll find someone better than me for sure. Someone who will take care of you better than I ever could. Someone who can always give you what you need. Someone who will listen to your problems and give you expert advise. Someone you can always lean on. Someone you can come to running and accept you with open arms. Someone who can teach all the things you need in this world to survive. Someone who will take your hand as you go on and travel the world. Someone who can give you all the comforts you deserve. You’ll find someone who will love you unconditionally. Someone who will always make you happy.

So don’t feel like you’re stuck with me. Don’t feel like I’m keeping you from doing what you want and reaching your dreams. Even if we’re no longer together I will still be here for you. I will support you no matter what. So, if you want to explore the world, go ahead. You are young and beautiful. You will still meet so many people. Experience so many things. You don’t need to stay with me. I’ll be fine.

I’ve been in and out of relationships before. Had my heart broken a couple of times. Crashed. Burned. Survived. A never ending cycle which I know most people can relate to. I’ve played this game. Won and lost. So this is nothing new. I’ll move on. I’ll be happy again. I’ll find someone new. But in the meantime I’ll focus on myself first. Love me more.

We’ll still talk. We’ll remain friends. And then we’ll soon forget about each other. Things will be painfully awkward as soon as we become strangers. We’ll forget the things we’ve been through. The ups and downs. All of these will be just a distant memory from the past. The details will no longer be as clear as it once was but that’s okay. We forget for a reason. We forget because we need to make space for new ones.

It’s going to be hard. Painful. But I’m resilient. Like what I’ve said, I’ve been through this before and sometimes no matter how difficult it is to imagine life without you I know I’ll manage. I know I’ll be fine. Because I also know that it’s not the end. Because I know that God did not intend any of us to die of loneliness. Of heartbreak. Of suffering. I’ll learn how to smile again. I’ll laugh again. I’ll be myself again.

I’ve been independent all my life. I’m used to being alone and when I am at peace. I can live in peace. I can start picking up the pieces of my broken life and start building a new one again. A better version of me. A wiser one that hopefully can learn from the mistakes of the past.

The road, I know, will be rough but I’ve a thick skin. I’ll survive. One day at a time.

Experience has taught me so much now and I hope I’m / will be smart enough to make the right decisions this time. I’ve given up so much of myself. Of my time. Of my energy. That sometimes, I wonder if I have enough left to go on.

Time will heal me. I’m not sure how long it will take but I know it will.

 

 

One response »

  1. Reader says:

    Stop whining about sadness that hasn’t come yet.. Just enjoy the joyous now !

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