I feel really stupid. I should’ve known better. I should’ve let him go when I had the chance to and now I find myself stuck in this fucking situation. Why do I keep living in this fantasy that everything will go exactly the way I envisioned it. Why do I always see the good in people even if at the back of my head I know they’re going to be bad for me. I feel awful. I feel sick to my stomach. And right now I don’t know what to do. I feel really pathetic. I feel like I’ve read all the signs wrong. And I pity myself for it. This is just a game and I’m losing. I can’t date a player anymore as much as I know I’m a player myself. I can’t compete. I don’t want to compete. This is it for me. There’s nothing more I could offer. I’m so confused. I’m getting mixed messages. What are we? What the fuck are we doing? I want something real. Something I can hold on to. Something to reassure me that this it. I don’t want to get my heart broken again. I’m exhausted. I’m tired. I’ve given up so much of my time and my effort just to be with someone that I’m not even sure is willing to do the same. Is this it? Is this the end of the line? Why do I keep doing this to myself? I want to let go. I want to move on. I really want to end it now before I get hurt again. Because quite frankly I don’t know what will happen to me. I’m broken. I’ve been broken for quite some time now and I’m not sure I can manage to get back all the pieces again once I find myself shattered into tiny bits. I’ve already lost a part of myself. A part of my humanity in the process. I’ve gone cold. I’m not sure how much more I could take. I need to make a choice right now. I know it’s a long shot but I need a fucking sign if this is worth it. If this is worth all the pain. I should’ve known better. I should’ve guarded my heart. I should not have fallen in love. I should’ve let go when I had the chance to. I should’ve read the signs more clearly. I don’t deserve him. He deserves so much better. And I’m stupid enough to think that I can have him. I know its cliché but he’s out of my league. I’m a fool. I was an honest mistake. I was convenient but I’m not really what he wants. It just so happened I’m near. If he had a chance I’m sure he dropped me already a long time ago.

2 responses »

  1. Iñigo says:

    Enjoy your life while you’re young because the moment you reach 30, things will be very different. Have fun today (but cautiously) so that you would have no regrets when you reach your wisdom ages. Enjoy the peak of your manhood. As soon as you age, you will only have wisdom to attract both the same and opposite sex. Enjoy love while it’s there; when gone, at least, you still have your libido. Use it to enjoy life but use it wisely. Practice safe sex. As you reach the 40s, you would only have your hand to help you reach your climax. You would wish that a younger man would lend his hand but he prefers men of his age. So you would settle with someone you are not even attracted with. Regrets may be being conceived now; about to be born when you reach 30. Don’t let it happen. So, enjoy your life now and don’t let those regrets infanticipate.

    • Jake Samson says:

      Thank you, Inigo. I think I’ve enjoyed my life too much it’s just that sometimes I can help but worry about things. I’m just trying to take it all in one day at a time.

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