I’m not sure what’s going on with me or if I’ve been this way for a long time now that I haven’t actually really noticed it. Something is wrong I know that but I can’t seem to still figure it out. My lack of ambition and drive to succeed – where did it come from and what caused it? What made me this way? I know somewhere along the way something must’ve happened to fuck me up like this. Could be someone too… someone from the past that made me this way. But fuck it. I can’t blame someone from the past or anyone for that matter but myself. If someone did something to me to make me feel this way then it’s my fault for allowing that person to affect me this way.
What’s wrong? I’ve become cynical. I’ve lost all optimism. I find it hard to smile and laugh (genuinely) anymore. Sure, I’m still that happy-go-lucky guy that everyone sees and loves to be with (not to sound condescending or anything) but yeah, I consider myself a “fun” guy. But as soon as I get home, as soon as I’m alone with my thoughts and have more time to think then shit starts happening. I start feeling depressed and sad.
I need to keep myself busy. I can’t be alone with myself. I need someone to hold my hand and tell me that everything’s going to be okay. That whatever it is I’m going through right now, I’ll get over it. I’m tired. I’m tired of living.

4 responses »

  1. Paolo says:

    Hey man, been a big fan of yours since 2011 (I think) and I’m glad you still have new posts. The last time I was able to visit your blog was last year, if I am not mistaken. I don’t know why I am even making a comment but your posts lately seem very sad. Just want you to know that you’re a talented writer AF, you make me and a lot of people like us relate to what you’re sharing, smile on the things that we have in common, hard-ons on the sexy stuff etc. Maybe that is what you should focus on right now. You can make people happy with your blog and pretty much you can influence people as well in a good way. I am always happy to see new posts coming from you every now and then because I always thought that you will end your life just like that basing on the posts that you share. Just want you to know that there are people like myself who get excited and happy everytime you share something here.

    PS: I don’t know but while I am writing this comment, I’m thinking you are Connor Walsh from HTGAWM. 🙂

    • Jake Samson says:

      Wow. It’s been a long time since I started this blog. I haven’t been active for a while but I’m glad I have readers who still visit this once in a while. Apologies if my posts seem sad, I guess I’m really not good at writing about the happy “stuff” haha rest assured I’m doing well and if I’m not active, it could mean I’m happy 🙂

      So, you’re fan too! The midseason finale threw me on a loop. It was crazy! Can’t wait for the next part!

  2. Ian says:

    I remember many years ago I was feeling like that too. I went into a depression so deep that I almost killed myself. I had two or three episodes of those. Nothing in my life made any sense. I just knew that my life wasn’t as I hoped it should be. Then I got into philosophy. Long story short, I finished college after 10 years. After two more years of despair, I decided to go after what I really wanted to do — be a scientist. I focused on myself. I became self-interested. I stopped avoiding my problems. Good thing I had a degree in psychology. I read and used everything I knew to understand myself. I began to appreciate myself and my work. I love my work. People can still make me feel bad about myself, on rare occasions. It doesn’t matter. What matters is how I see myself. The important thing is I’m doing what I love the most. I never thought I’d reach the point where I can say I am okay but I’ve gone beyond that point. Life can be amazing.

    Love yourself, Jake. People do not understand that word. How they see it is simply self-indulgence. Not everyone can love. People who can love is rare. Read the books of Erich Fromm, especially “The Art of Loving.” Never lie to yourself. Lie to the world but never to yourself. If you can be brutally honest with yourself, then you would have found a way to love yourself. Do not derive your happiness from outside. I’ll leave this quote from Erich Fromm.

    “As long as anyone believes that his ideal and purpose is outside him, that it is above the clouds, in the past or in the future, he will go outside himself and seek fulfillment where it cannot be found. He will look for solutions and answers at every point except where they can be found — in himself.”

    Genuine happiness is possible but it is rare.

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