I’m staying in Manila for now because of the following reasons: 1.) I’m broke. Like fucked up broke and in debt. I have 40K in credit card bills that I need to pay plus my 16K that I borrowed from my mom when I went to Beijing last month, electricity bills that I need to pay and my mobile data that’s long overdue. 2.) I need to mend a broken heart. Well, it’s not broken per se but I’m doing a bit of damage control by staying away for now. 3.) I’m avoiding my alcohol stash at the condo. 4.) I’m in Manila because of “the other guy” I need to clear things up with. But the main reason is why I’m at home is because of the last one. Suddenly I’m in this position where I need to make a choice – to go back to the one whom I fell in love with in the past or take a risk with someone whom I’m just getting to know. But things are far way more complicated than that. So many factors have come into play and I’m still weighing things in my head. Again, I find myself in a very vulnerable position because I tend to make bad decisions. This time around I want to make things right and the only way to do that is to confront both head on.

I had just gotten out of shower and after a few hours of watching Aldub online (since I missed some episodes) to distract me I’m back again with my thoughts. And I hate it. I hate thinking about what’s happening and I hate to think about what’s going to happen after. I hate feeling this way. I just want to go back to simpler times, to those days where I don’t have to worry about anything – anyone but myself. This time it’s my heart that’s on the line – and it sucks big time.

2 responses »

  1. Reader says:

    You’ll get past it dude … if I were you, I’d be more bothered with clearing the debts !

  2. Iñigo says:

    It’s amusing how our life is mirrored by other someones. Maybe that’s the reason why we can relate to others’ stories like the way I can relate to your story, mirroring my own experiences. We can be trapped in a vicious cycle. Getting out of it is difficult that’s why some people think of committing suicide. I had. Though I’ve been trapped to my own unwanted and unnecessary situations, like being haunted by credit card monsters, I don’t remember how I was able to get out of them. The last time I experienced being betrayed by someone I loved so especially, I have never fallen in love again. Pain sucks. Wounds of flesh can heal but wounds of the emotions don’t. You still feel it from time to time. If it heals, it really takes years. Anyway, I’m in an awkward situation again. Being trapped again is so f*cking stressful. You get sick, tired; you feel unintellectual, anti-social, and deprived of energy. Then something happened. Out of the blue, you opened a book, switched a channel, stumbled upon on the Net, then boom! You’re out of your prison cell. Just like that! Here’s one thing that distracted me from being mega negative. Watch Brain Games by National Geographic. The particular episode that hit me was Positive Thinking. It has a site: braingames.nationalgeographic.com. Hope it gives you a different or renewed perspective. If not, at least, use it to distract you from unwanted painful and stressful emotions. 🙂

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