I just turned 26 a few weeks ago and I still feel like I haven’t done anything significant with my life. I’ve been in and out of jobs for the past 4 years and I still haven’t decided on exactly what I want to do. I guess the term searching is a bit abused at this point. I’ve been “searching” for the past fucking 26 years already and I still have no clue what to do. Okay, to be fair I didn’t know what I wanted to do until I was maybe in kindergarten and throughout grade school I guess.
Wait, I actually know what I want to do but I’m not sure if I’m really good at it. Everyone who knows me know that I love to write but they haven’t actually read anything I’ve written – except for school-related stuff – which, quite frankly sucks. They haven’t read my stories here so I they don’t know exactly what the kind of writer they think I am. I guess part of the reason why I haven’t shared any of my stuff here is because I’m embarrassed. For one, the stories here are a bit x-rated I guess and secondly, my writer friends can do so much better than me. Compared to them, I’m pretty fucking mediocre. I feel like I’m Stephenie Meyer to their George RR Martin. Kidding. I actually liked Twilight (the first book) not the whole series. And when my professors back in college criticized how poorly written Twilight is (even my early favorite, Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons) I was convinced that I have pretty much very poor taste when it comes to picking books. I thought they were really good, especially Brown so when one of my professors said some negative things about the way he writes threw me off guard. I thought we write the same way (yeah, as if) so if my professor thinks he wasn’t good and so I thought that I wasn’t as well.
Anyway, so yeah. I want to be a writer, I just don’t think I’m good at it. And I don’t think I’ll earn anything from writing. Some of you would suggest that I can actually earn a lot by writing technical stuff etc. But I’m really stubborn. I can’t write anything unless I’m passionate about it. I’m a creative writer – at least that’s what I’m trying to tell myself or convince myself and I’m having a really hard time putting into paper and pouring out my feelings if it’s about cleaning cars or fixing your computer.
Going back to my 26 year old self. I just want a new start. I have a new job that I’m trying desperately to hold on to because I need money. And as for writing, I’m not so sure what I’m going to do with it.
Anyway, I’m really not so sure what I want to write about at this point. It’s 1 in the morning and I decided to check this blog and write something. It’s Holy Week!