People look at me and think I’m strong enough to handle all the challenges that comes my way. What they see is someone who always smiles – someone who’s happy all the time. They think I’m tough and that there’s nothing I couldn’t do and wouldn’t but what they don’t know is I’m broken inside. I’m a lost soul. A lost cause. And sometimes I can’t help myself. I can’t help but feel that it’s too late for me to change. Too late for me to change into the person I want to be. Change for the better. For the good.
I’m trying. Yes. That’s all I can do. Try. I wake up every morning and go to work. I talk to my friends on Viber constantly. I tell them what I feel. I ask for advice. I open up to them and let them know what my problems are. I love them so much and I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose them. They are, right now, the only people in my life that I can talk to. They’re the reason why I’m still alive after everything I went through this past couple of months. They’re the reason why I’m holding on to this thing they call life.
I could’ve given up a long time ago. I could’ve easily ended everything. There’s really nothing left for me to live for. I lost all the drive to live. I have no ambition and I guess that’s what frustrates some people I know. They keep telling me I’m good at this or have great potential at this or I should try doing this and that. But honestly, I don’t see the point of it all. I don’t have the drive to succeed because I’m not sure why I’d want to be successful in the first place. I don’t even know which industry I’m going to excel at. I just live. I just live everyday as if it were my last. I don’t think of the future, I don’t care about tomorrow. I’m focused on today.
It wouldn’t matter if I exist or not. And I’m looking at the big picture. Who we are and what we’re doing here on earth seem insignificant in the grand scheme of things. I don’t see the point of working so hard and earning so much money… and for what? To go to places and buy material things? At the end of the day, these stuff we own won’t matter but the relationships we built with people closest to us. It won’t make us any happier. I read somewhere that we’ve become less happy compared to those who live a few decades ago and it’s probably because of these social media accounts and the internet. And it’s true. And it’s part of the reason why I deactivated my Facebook for a long time (until my job requires me to) I’m insecure. I’m shallow. I get envious easily. And looking at my friends feeds just sucks the life out of me. Them posting their travels, expensive things and career milestones seem like a slap in the face. No, I don’t want to know about these things and I’d rather stay ignorant than insecure. I don’t want to feel bad about myself because I don’t have the same things they have. I’m happy with everything I got and I don’t fucking need these people to make me feel bad about myself.
I don’t really know what I’m talking about anymore. I just couldn’t sleep. It’s almost 4 am and I just want to write, write and write.
I just want to say that I’m not a strong person. I’m not. I just try to look like I am in order to survive. I can’t be alone with my thoughts right now because I don’t want to think. I’m so lost.