There are rules to the game and if you can’t play by the rules, then be prepared to lose.
“Tell me something about yourself,” the man asked.
I was seated across him, wearing my best suit for this interview – the one I had custom made for my sister’s wedding months before. It was a little too big for me – well, I it had gotten bigger on me since I’d lost a lot of weight over the summer. But it was the best one I had, the only one I owned actually and it was better than the rest of what I had in my closet – which was nothing. I wasn’t going to come in looking like the rest of the applicants. I wanted to stand out, so I wore all black – my signature color and a perfect contrast against my pale skin tone. Though I may look like a vampire or someone who had just attended a funeral, I had to admit I did look hot from a distance – more like feeling hot actually – wearing black on black on this dry weather was never a good idea believe me.
My heart was pounding and I was sweating beneath my coat and tie. I looked down and stared at the cheap black leather shoes I was wearing – the one I’d been using since college. It hadn’t been polished and the leather on the sole had already cracked but then again it was the only one I had that was acceptable by any standards. I looked cheap. I felt cheap. But no designer clothes – even a knock off – can make me feel any better right now. I was in desperate need of Chanel – that is, if I could afford one. I wanted a drink so badly. Alcohol would make things better.
My stomach’s in a knot and my vision started to blur. I was feeling dizzy but I did everything I could not to throw up. I wasn’t hungover – just sleep deprived. I mustered all the strength I had left in me to pull through this one even if I knew it was a long shot.
I should’ve eaten breakfast but I woke up late. My alarm did go off but I ignored it anyways. “Five more minutes,” I said then pressed the snooze button on my phone. Let me just say for the record that the snooze button is evil. It will fuck you again and again. An hour later I was running around the house scrambling for clothes to wear. Shit! I should’ve prepared for this. I mean, my interview was with the VP of the company for christ’s sake. I should’ve at least read a little background about what they do but I didn’t so now I’m doomed to fail.
And so I sat there in his office. I smiled, laughed at his jokes even if I wasn’t sure he was actually telling one. I couldn’t exactly hear what he was saying or I maybe I wasn’t listening at all. I tried to answer the best way I could without even knowing what his questions were in the first place. He looked confused, more confused than I was but my mind was completely blank at that point. I was fumbling, my answers were incoherent and I couldn’t gather my thoughts. What the fuck is wrong with me? My hands were shaking uncontrollably and I was just happy that he was far enough not to notice. He’d occasionally smile at me – amused? – I wasn’t sure. Maybe he was just trying to control his emotions – his annoyance? Maybe. But If I were in his position I’d definitely be annoyed. “Who the hell is this kid wasting my time?” So, I took a deep breath and sighed. I gave up. I knew I was making a fool of myself and I was sure I already lost this job even before I stepped in to meet him. The least thing I could do was to get something out of this. I was flushed, I could tell. I was embarrassed and this whole scenario was embarrassing for me.
“What am I even doing here?” I asked myself. I was young and unsure. I could almost see myself from his point of view. Awkward kid. Inexperienced. Clueless. I may be dressed to impress but I lacked the confidence to pull this off. I couldn’t even fake it. I was so over it even before it began and I was sure he could see right through me. I wanted to go home. Back to my bed and sleep. Back to the dream which I had already forgotten. But whatever it was, it was much better than this nightmare.
It was only 9 in the morning and I was feeling really tired already. My mom had to drag me out of bed and forced me to go this interview. I haven’t slept well the night before and my mind was drifting somewhere else.
to be continued…