I’ll turn 24 in a few months and I’m still in the same position I was a year ago. Nothing has changed and none of my plans came to fruition. Honestly, I’m not even sure what those plans were in the first place because I forgot all about them already. I keep fucking myself over and over again and I don’t even know why.
I thought 2012 was my year. I left my old job in January to pursue my dreams only to end up with another job very similar to my old one. I don’t know what happened along the way or what forced me to suddenly give up on everything and settle for what I have now. Yes, I have a fat paycheck that allows me to buy whatever I need and go wherever I want but even money couldn’t make me happy. Something’s missing in my life and I can’t seem to figure out what it is.
Maybe the answer is simple. Could it be that I finally came to the realization that I’m never really good enough to do what I wanted or maybe I just lacked the motivation and determination to pursue my dreams? Either way, it’s not too late… I’m still only 23 and I have a few more years to think and decide what I really want to do with my life.
But every time an opportunity arises I start doubting myself. Part of me says I can do it but the other part says I’m not good enough. I try at least but just when I’m about to get hold of it I let go.
I lost the same confidence I had when I was still college. I was ruthless then when it comes to getting what I wanted, now I just settle for what’s right in front of me because of these doubts that kept filling my head.
I’m holding myself back from doing what I want. I guess I’m the only person I should blame why I’m still here, in the same position I was a year ago.
I wanted to find myself. I’ve been meaning to for a long time now. I believe that when you finally figure out on your own who you really are inside then it would be easier for you to know what you want to do with your life. But as easy as it may sound, finding yourself is the most difficult thing a person could ever dare to do.
I want to go somewhere far, away from the city and the life I’m used to. I want to be on my own for a little while. To disappear from the world and discover new things, meet new people and experience everything life has to offer. I want to live life as another human being and know what it’s like to be in their shoes. I need a new perspective in life.
2013 is just a few days away (that is if the world doesn’t end on the 21st) and I’m not sure what my plans are next year. For now, I’ll just keep on doing what I do and hope that things work out, whatever it is.