It was Valentines Day, Ryan and I were supposed to meet each other for dinner somewhere in Tomas Morato. He made a reservation in some fancy restaurant and asked me to come and meet as soon as possible.

I booked a fashion show that same night with Martin and Luke and I told Ryan that I’ll be there right after the show. I lied. The three of us decided to just hit the road instead and head south to Tagaytay for a boys night out.

I didn’t make it to our dinner.

To cut the whole story short, I broke up with Ryan a few days later.

I needed to take charge of my life and do some damage control before things got any worse.

My world revolved around him. I made him my priority. But when I felt like I was just an option to him I decided to end our relationship. I risked everything for him I was willing to let everyone know we’re together for him. And when I finally realized that our relationship wasn’t going anywhere I had to let him go. He took me for granted. That fucking jerk took my love for granted.

I’m not perfect, I have shortcomings too, but there’s only so much I can handle and at that point I had reached my limitations. I guess it was my fault. I loved him too much that I forgot to love myself first. I made him my life that I forgot I had one too. I was so focused on making him happy when I’m not even happy myself.

I’m not perfect. I have shortcomings too but if I could turn back the time I wouldn’t change a thing. The memory of what happened between us was something I’ll take with me forever – for what its worth – the good, the bad, and the ugly. The lessons I learned I’ll take with me and by the time  I decide to fall back in love again I can always look back to what fucked both of us up.

I couldn’t stop smoking anymore. I started drinking more and more frequently.

I guess it was my way to cope with the pain, to drown my sorrows until I feel numb inside. I guess it was better to feel nothing at all.

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7 responses »

  1. Jeffrey says:

    U don’t need to do that for yourself because of what happened to both of u….life must go on as what the time, the day, & everything….

    • Anonymous says:

      It’s been more than 2 years since the last time we saw each other and I’ve already moved on. We had a good run but things just didn’t work out. But I’m in a better place now, I think. 🙂

  2. Janus says:

    This post is so sad. Believe me, it’s not better to feel nothing. To feel nothing is depression. The word sounds romantic but it’s not. It’s like being inside a glass cage. You can see people, hear them, but they can’t reach you because you’re not there.

    • Janus says:

      Suffering is one very long moment. We cannot divide it by seasons. We can only record its moods, and chronicle their return. With us time itself does not progress. It revolves. It seems to circle round one center of pain…

    • Anonymous says:

      It’s hard to let people in your life after you’ve been hurt that’s why I guess it’s better to stay inside a glass cage where they can’t reach you, can’t hurt you. And it’s better to feel nothing. It’s more convenient than suffering and much more tolerable than pain.

      • Janus says:

        But isn’t it about taking chances? Life is about taking chances. If you love, you might get hurt, or you might have your own “happily ever after.” If you don’t take risk, you won’t have that chance at happiness at all. I guess you just have to be careful in choosing the person to give your heart to. I believe there are still decent people out there. Keep hoping. 😀

  3. Mike says:

    Love yourself. Don’t let yourself drown into sorrows and be eaten with those dark feelings inside of you. Let out your emotions. Sooner or later you’ll get used to it as if nothing happened.

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