He’ll get married after 10 years to the woman he (knows he’ll) love.

He’ll give up his bachelor pad to buy a house and lot and trade his sports convertible for a family car. He’ll give up everything he had when he was still single to build a new life with his wife.

He’ll make love to her every night and satisfy her every sexual desire. He’ll give her everything that she needs and everything that she wants.

He’ll try his best to make her happy and he’ll do everything it takes to see her smile and to watch her laugh. But deep inside he’s wasting away.

She’ll get pregnant on their honeymoon and after 9 months she’ll give birth to a baby boy. They’ll raise their kid together. They’ll love him the best way they know how and protect him the best way the can.

He’s the perfect husband, she’s the perfect wife and with their perfect son they make the perfect family.

A few years into the marriage he’ll still be unsatisfied. There will be a longing inside of him, longing he couldn’t explain.

He wants something, something his wife couldn’t give.

He’s longing for a man in his life. He wanted one for so long. He wanted to, once again, feel the warmth of a man’s arms wrapped around him, to kiss a man’s lips, to smell a man’s scent.

He’ll join PR and will sign up as some anonymous guy living in Makati. He’ll refuse show his picture and insists on meeting guys in person. He’ll maintain his discretion any which way he can. He will not reveal his real name or tell anything specific about himself. He’ll be very cautious. He’ll be very calculated. He’ll do what it takes to keep his identity a secret.

He’ll meet random guys from the Internet and they’ll fuck each other senselessly, but as soon as they finish fucking their brains out they’ll go on their separate ways, on with their separate lives. No strings attached.

He’ll feel guilty every time he does it. But the urge will be just too strong to control. It thrills him but it scares the crap out of him too. He’s treading on dangerous water. One wrong move could mean the end of everything.

He’ll begin to feel more and more paranoid from what he has been doing but he still couldn’t stop himself. He’ll arrange rendezvous on some cheap motel or hook up with guys he eyes in the comfort room.

On the back of his head he’ll be thinking, “What if someone sees me or recognizes who I am. What would they think? How would they react? Who would they tell?”

His wife will become suspicious. He’ll come home late, he’ll come up with an excuse. “I needed to finish a job,” he’ll tell her. His wife, who loves him, will shrug it off, she’ll convince herself she’s just being paranoid. He’ll become more and more absent to his son’s life.

He’s mixing business with pleasure. Out of town meetings to late night escapades. She’ll grow more and more suspicious. She’ll think he’s cheating and will confronts him. She’ll ask if there’s another woman.

He’ll deny her accusations and convince her there’s no one else. “You’re just being paranoid,” he’ll tell her. She’ll believe him.

Of course there’s no other woman because he’s been seeing a man.

He’ll wake up the next morning beside his wife. He’ll turn to her and watch her back. He’ll run his fingers through her hair lean over to smell her soft, sweet skin. He’ll kiss her neck and hug her tightly.

Inside his head he’s saying sorry. Sorry for the things he was about to tell her. For all the sins he was about to confess. For the pain the he will cause. And for the dreams he soon will shatter.

He’ll think of his son and wonder.

Will he accept me if he finds out? Will he still love me if he got hold of the truth? Will he despise me for leaving? Will he hate me for what I’ll be doing?

He loves his family more than anything else in the world but he doesn’t love himself anymore. He doesn’t love the way he’s living his life but does it matter still?

He could no longer recognize himself whenever he looks in front of the mirror. Time flies so fast. His life passed him by.

He loves his family more than anything but he loves his partner too. They’ve been together for more than a year now but could he give up the life he had built with his wife and run away with another man. Is he willing to take that risk?

He’s caught in a lose-lose situation.

He’s a well-respected man with a clean reputation but he can’t hide from the closet all his life. He wants to get out and explore the world outside. It’s just a matter of time. But is it already too late?

Can he really bear to hurt his family? To fuck up their lives?

He’s already in his late 40s and soon he’ll retire. In a few more years he’ll die.

On his deathbed, will he regret not living the life he had always wanted?

It’s easy to convince yourself that you’re in control of your own life. That you can make your own decisions. That you don’t have to care what other people think. That only you can make you happy based on the choices you make.

But society expects something from you and the pressure on you to comply can throw you off the edge.

It will rattle him to the core.

He’s left without a choice but to succumb to the demands of the people around. Because he was so eager to please them, he forgot about his own happiness.

On his deathbed, will he regret not living the life he had always wanted? The answer is… yes. 

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4 responses »

  1. diggs says:

    I stumbled upon your blog from PR. I forgot your username. In any case, had fun reading your blog. All ten pages of it. Have a great night.

  2. Janus says:

    I imagine myself in the shoes of the main character. And I surprisingly disagree with the last word. I think it’s a no if it happened to me. I simply have to look at our wonderful son and know my life wasn’t a waste. I have a son who I love and I raised to be a good person. That is enough. But then again I don’t think I will ever come to this situation.

  3. Anonymous says:

    I think part of him regrets that his son will grow up knowing that his father was with another man. He’ll have a hard time understanding why and he’ll search of explanations. So many questions will be left unanswered. The truth will hurt him of course, the truth is devastating. And I think the pain he will cause him is a big part of why he regrets his life.

  4. Janus says:

    Then perhaps he will not regret not having the life he wanted. Perhaps he will regret having a partner when he already has a family. If he was a good father, he’ll know his son is his redemption. He could turn his back on his wife, on his partner, on the world but never his son, if he was a good father. You may not understand his position because you’re not yet a dad. But I thank you very much for this article. Now I think I can understand someone better. You see, it’s all a matter of perspective! Just imagine yourself being a good dad and your son is your younger self. You would love your son above all things, right. Because you know what it felt like to be a child, to be you. Hence, he will regret the things he did that hurt his son (having a partner) but not having a son.

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