What do you do when you want something so bad but you feel like you’re not good enough for it?
I’m not myself again today. I feel like disappearing again. I’m not sure why but I just want to lock myself in my room and sleep all day. I’m close to quitting my current job again – bad habit I know but I’m holding on. I’m forcing myself to think positively and just hope that tomorrow will be a better day. But that’s what I said yesterday and the day before that and I’m not sure how long I can keep convincing myself that everything will be fine.
My problem? I don’t know. I can’t figure it out myself. All I know is that I can’t be alone with my thoughts right now. My head starts filling up with things that are bringing me down. I’m doing my best to distract myself. Watch series, read books and listen to music. I work (at least try to) but the daily routine is becoming futile. I feel miserable. And I’m probably the loneliest person on the planet right now for no particular reason.
It’s all in my head. Whatever it is. The thought that keeps resurfacing over and over again. I can’t stop it and I can’t control it. All I can do is accept it and welcome it in my life.
I don’t want to do anything anymore. I just want to close my eyes and sleep. I don’t want to go out and talk to people. I just want to be alone.
I’m not sure how to tell our story or where to start. It’s hard to look back at the past and relive all the memories we shared – whether it’s good or bad. The happiest moments we had is too painful to recall (because I know things will never be the same again…) and the saddest moments are just as painful if not even more. It kills me to know that it was all my fault. That I was the one who fucked up and ruined something good. But that’s just me. I’m damaged from the start. And much like a broken glass, no matter how you fix it the cracks will always show. Anyway, I’ll try to tell our story the best way I can and be as honest as possible. There’s no point in sugarcoating things anymore and I don’t really care if by the end of this story, I’d be the one who’d end up looking bad. I know I am and I own that. And by now I can already feel my soul burning somewhere in the recesses of hell.
This is not an easy story to tell because as I write along I know I’ll have to look back at everything that happened between us and all the events that followed leading to our break up or as I would like to call it – our “great fall”. But to anyone who’ll read this, please bear with me and keep an open mind.
And to YOU, especially you. If you’re still checking this blog or happened to read this I hope this will clear things up. I know the last time we talked, we just argued… I’m done talking and I want to start writing. This way I won’t miss a thing and you can always look back for an explanation in here. This will be very hard for you I know but believe me when I say that this will help us both in deciding what’s best for both us. They say that one of the hardest decisions you’ll have to make is whether to fight for what you want or simply walk away. I don’t have it in me to fight anymore and I’m sorry if my decision for now is to walk away. I need time. I need me now more than anything else in the world. I need to save myself before it’s too late. Before I pull the trigger and end this all together (figuratively of course).
We met around 2 years ago, it was March 31. I invited you for a drink and we started talking. Minutes turned to hours and the next thing we know it was almost 2 am – April Fool’s Day. I was comfortable with you and was at ease from the very start. I really liked you but I never thought it would it grow into something more than what it was. A one night stand. We had a lot of things in common. We went to the same university and sort of knew the same people. I really enjoyed our conversation that night and not because there was alcohol involved. Okay, I know I lured you for a drink thinking we’d just have sex that night but I was surprised because I liked you instantly even if the photo you sent in the app was a bit deceiving. I really thought you were taller though. :)
A few days had passed and we kept our communication open. We talked and talked until we ran out of things to say to each other and then we’d just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. Kiss and then fuck each other’s brains out again. Eat out, sleep then do it over again the next day. I found a friend, someone I could hang out with and be myself with (but being myself wasn’t the real me – being myself at that time meant being someone I knew you’d expect me to be). I was happy spending time with you and in that few weeks we spent together felt like years. And as corny as it may sound, I felt like I knew you my whole life. There was instant connection. There was spark. An undeniable chemistry between us. That infatuation I had from the moment we met grew into something more. And then I fell in love.
I wasn’t ready. I told you that countless of times. I just got out of a long term relationship that somewhat ended badly. I wasn’t looking for something serious because I vowed that it was the year that I was going to focus on myself. I wanted to be single for a while and just do whatever I want for once.
But then you came along. You changed everything. You shook my world and turned it upside down.
My friends and I left for Boracay and told them about you. I told them about my hesitations. Shared to them all my doubts. “I’m not ready,” I said. “But then I can’t lose you, I don’t want to lose you.” And so I took the risk.
And suddenly we’re in a relationship.
Things went by so fast and I was caught in this whirlwind. I was in love. And I decided to pick you over everything else. I’m not really career oriented and thought that my career can wait.
Even from the start, the problem was me already. I was not honest with you. I didn’t tell you things about myself that you’d eventually find out. I guess what’s wrong with me is I presented myself as someone I’m not. Acted like the way you wanted me to. The perfect guy. I knew the right words to say and the right time to say it. I knew how to lie and I knew how to manipulate. I controlled you without knowing it. I’ve been passive aggressive. I was the boy next door when in reality I’m just an asshole. It’s true that looks can be deceiving and even if I appear innocent, gullible or childish or whatever, I’m not. I’ve played this game before and I like it. But I didn’t know that this time I was going to lose.
To be continued…