Stroller

I’ve always been a sad kid. Well, not everyone thinks I am but that’s how I’ve always seen myself as far as I could remember. When I was in grade school there was nothing more I wanted than a stroller. Everyone in the class has one except me. At first, I didn’t mind but eventually I realized how convenient it is to have one. I’ve always used a backpack and it’s taking a toll on my shoulders and back. Imagine bringing home your books to school everyday – I’m actually surprised it didn’t affect my growth (vertically). So, one day we we’re walking back home from somewhere I could no longer remember. I saw this stroller and asked my mom if we could buy it. She said no because we didn’t have enough money back then. I wanted it so badly but I also understood our situation. We weren’t rich so I simply accepted our situation. When we got home I remember going straight to my room and cry. It wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t want my mom to see I was upset about the whole thing because I didn’t want her to feel guilty at all for not being able to buy it for me. I was fine. Honestly. I just need some space to let it all out, get some sleep and forget about it. That’s how I’ve always been and even now I deal with pain, rejection and hurt the same way I’ve dealt with them since I was a kid. I deal with them alone. I cry alone and get over it. Sleep cures everything. Sleep helps you forget.

I fell asleep crying. The next thing I remember was my mom sitting beside me. I know how she felt and the pain of not being able to provide your son what he wants must’ve been painful for her as a mother. I could live without that stroller. I’ve been using my backpack as far as I could remember so I don’t think it would make any difference whether I got a stroller or not.

So when I’m quiet, when I feel like being alone, it’s just me processing my feelings. The last thing I want is to say something I’d regret. The last thing I want is for the people around me to feel guilty, to feel sad for me. So at the end of the day, I know I’ll be fine.

This is goodbye.

This is how I protect myself. My feelings. This is my defense mechanism so the final blow wouldn’t be as painful. Wouldn’t hurt as much as before. This is my goodbye.

Before things worsen. Before we start fighting over the simplest things. Before I start hating you and you hating me. Before I explode. Before it’s too late. I’m saying goodbye now. We had a good run. We had so many moments that I’ll treasure forever but I’m ready to bury them – bury them with all the treasures I’ve kept hidden all my life.

I’ll get over you. The same way I’ve gotten over the people that came before you. I’ll forget how you made me smile. How you made me laugh. How you made me feel. I’ll forget everything because that’s what I’m really good at. Forget the times you hurt me without knowing it. The times you lied to my face. The bad memories. The good ones… and everything else in between. I’ll forget them all.

I’m a pisces. While I never believed in what the stars have to say, this one I do. Pisces are good at forgetting and maybe that’s one of the reasons why I’m still here. Why I’m still alive and breathing. I’m good at choosing the memories I want to retain and erase all the ones that caused me pain. But once in a while they resurface. And I have to delete them again.

This is me protecting myself. Protecting my feelings. This is my goodbye.

Hey

Hey, you. Yes, I’m talking to you in here because I know you’ll never get to read this anyway. And because these are the things I know I’ll never ever have the courage to tell you in person. So here it goes….

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I don’t really know how you feel about me. Because honestly,  I’m not really sure what the fuck we’re doing… but I’m happy when I’m with you. Happy when we’re together… but not so much when you’re not around. And so here I go again. In a painful cycle as before. Allowing myself, my life to revolve around someone else. Adjusting to your needs and catering to your every whim when I know that it’s all because I’m convenient. I’m that doormat. That cliched hopeless romantic who always sees the good in everyone. The blind fool who refuses to see any fault. That when it’s all over, I’ll see myself again broken. Shattered in so many little pieces.

I know you’ll leave soon. I know things will start changing once distance comes between us. Things will never be the same again. It will be awkward. It will be devastatingly painful. Well, at least on my part. But it’s going to be okay. I’m used to it.

From the very start I knew this wasn’t meant to be. We we’re never meant to be together because all the odds were against us. As cliche as it may sound but you’re so out of my league. You’re that someone everyone wants… that sometimes I wonder how can I compete with the others? I’ve got nothing to offer. I’m just me. Ordinary. Poor me.

I tried. And that’s all I can say. At the end of it all, I won’t have any regrets because I know for a fact that I gave my all. And if it’s not enough for you then it’s fine with me. Because honestly, I’m tired. Tired of always fighting for what I want, for what I believe in, for love… and if you decide to leave, to let me go and set me free then I’ll walk away. I won’t be bitter. And I won’t look back. I won’t let you see my cry. I won’t let you know how I feel. Because I don’t want you to feel guilty for saying goodbye. I don’t want you to feel like you’ve made the wrong choice. I won’t make you regret your decision. It is what it is. Things do happen for a reason.

You’ll find someone better than me for sure. Someone who will take care of you better than I ever could. Someone who can always give you what you need. Someone who will listen to your problems and give you expert advise. Someone you can always lean on. Someone you can come to running and accept you with open arms. Someone who can teach all the things you need in this world to survive. Someone who will take your hand as you go on and travel the world. Someone who can give you all the comforts you deserve. You’ll find someone who will love you unconditionally. Someone who will always make you happy.

So don’t feel like you’re stuck with me. Don’t feel like I’m keeping you from doing what you want and reaching your dreams. Even if we’re no longer together I will still be here for you. I will support you no matter what. So, if you want to explore the world, go ahead. You are young and beautiful. You will still meet so many people. Experience so many things. You don’t need to stay with me. I’ll be fine.

I’ve been in and out of relationships before. Had my heart broken a couple of times. Crashed. Burned. Survived. A never ending cycle which I know most people can relate to. I’ve played this game. Won and lost. So this is nothing new. I’ll move on. I’ll be happy again. I’ll find someone new. But in the meantime I’ll focus on myself first. Love me more.

We’ll still talk. We’ll remain friends. And then we’ll soon forget about each other. Things will be painfully awkward as soon as we become strangers. We’ll forget the things we’ve been through. The ups and downs. All of these will be just a distant memory from the past. The details will no longer be as clear as it once was but that’s okay. We forget for a reason. We forget because we need to make space for new ones.

It’s going to be hard. Painful. But I’m resilient. Like what I’ve said, I’ve been through this before and sometimes no matter how difficult it is to imagine life without you I know I’ll manage. I know I’ll be fine. Because I also know that it’s not the end. Because I know that God did not intend any of us to die of loneliness. Of heartbreak. Of suffering. I’ll learn how to smile again. I’ll laugh again. I’ll be myself again.

I’ve been independent all my life. I’m used to being alone and when I am at peace. I can live in peace. I can start picking up the pieces of my broken life and start building a new one again. A better version of me. A wiser one that hopefully can learn from the mistakes of the past.

The road, I know, will be rough but I’ve a thick skin. I’ll survive. One day at a time.

Experience has taught me so much now and I hope I’m / will be smart enough to make the right decisions this time. I’ve given up so much of myself. Of my time. Of my energy. That sometimes, I wonder if I have enough left to go on.

Time will heal me. I’m not sure how long it will take but I know it will.

 

 

Hero

I’m lost. I still am. I have been for a very long time now and I still don’t know where I am. What I want to do. Who I want to become. I’ve lived my life through others. Built my life around that someone who ended up breaking me apart. I’m trapped in this endless cycle of regrets and I couldn’t seem to find my way out. I’m lost. I still am lost. And no matter how many times I convince myself that there is a way out, I find myself in the same position. Is there something wrong with me? I know I’m the only person who can help me but I couldn’t seem to find the ways to do so. A wake up call. Tough love? Is that enough to get me out of this funk? I’m tired. Really tired. I’m just hanging by a thread right now. I need to be saved.

Let Live, Let Go

The longer we’re apart the more I’m convinced we’re not meant for each other. And sometimes I wonder if I should fight for this. For what we have. For what we had. But I’m not sure if this is even worth fighting for. I don’t know. I’m lost. And I’m tired. Tired of fighting for everything. Fighting to get what I deserve. Fighting to get what I want. I’m exhausted.