I’m not sure what’s going on with me or if I’ve been this way for a long time now that I haven’t actually really noticed it. Something is wrong I know that but I can’t seem to still figure it out. My lack of ambition and drive to succeed – where did it come from and what caused it? What made me this way? I know somewhere along the way something must’ve happened to fuck me up like this. Could be someone too… someone from the past that made me this way. But fuck it. I can’t blame someone from the past or anyone for that matter but myself. If someone did something to me to make me feel this way then it’s my fault for allowing that person to affect me this way.
What’s wrong? I’ve become cynical. I’ve lost all optimism. I find it hard to smile and laugh (genuinely) anymore. Sure, I’m still that happy-go-lucky guy that everyone sees and loves to be with (not to sound condescending or anything) but yeah, I consider myself a “fun” guy. But as soon as I get home, as soon as I’m alone with my thoughts and have more time to think then shit starts happening. I start feeling depressed and sad.
I need to keep myself busy. I can’t be alone with myself. I need someone to hold my hand and tell me that everything’s going to be okay. That whatever it is I’m going through right now, I’ll get over it. I’m tired. I’m tired of living.

Hello Friday

I’m staying in Manila for now because of the following reasons: 1.) I’m broke. Like fucked up broke and in debt. I have 40K in credit card bills that I need to pay plus my 16K that I borrowed from my mom when I went to Beijing last month, electricity bills that I need to pay and my mobile data that’s long overdue. 2.) I need to mend a broken heart. Well, it’s not broken per se but I’m doing a bit of damage control by staying away for now. 3.) I’m avoiding my alcohol stash at the condo. 4.) I’m in Manila because of “the other guy” I need to clear things up with. But the main reason is why I’m at home is because of the last one. Suddenly I’m in this position where I need to make a choice – to go back to the one whom I fell in love with in the past or take a risk with someone whom I’m just getting to know. But things are far way more complicated than that. So many factors have come into play and I’m still weighing things in my head. Again, I find myself in a very vulnerable position because I tend to make bad decisions. This time around I want to make things right and the only way to do that is to confront both head on.

I had just gotten out of shower and after a few hours of watching Aldub online (since I missed some episodes) to distract me I’m back again with my thoughts. And I hate it. I hate thinking about what’s happening and I hate to think about what’s going to happen after. I hate feeling this way. I just want to go back to simpler times, to those days where I don’t have to worry about anything – anyone but myself. This time it’s my heart that’s on the line – and it sucks big time.


Sometimes it’s funny how everything could change in a second. One moment you’re in cloud nine and the next thing you know you find yourself falling on the ground. I’ve been drinking a lot these past couple of weeks and it helps drown my sorrow – well, at least just temporarily. And then I find myself miserable again as soon as I’m sober. It sucks that I couldn’t find pot – it would be cheaper but harder to find so I’m sticking with whisky. My developing relationship with Jack is steadily growing and I’m slowly finding myself getting more and more addicted. I can control it but I don’t want to and as much as I want to clean up my act I can’t. Anyway, I’m rambling again. I’m just so fucked up right now… always have been.

In Time

I’m alone in my room, lying in bed and typing random shit on my laptop. I’m not exactly sure what I want to write about since so many things are going through my head right now. I could write about my thoughts on “Aldub” and how much they have affected me or write about how fucked up I am at work these past few weeks or how to survive with only P300 pesos in 4 days and my incredibly huge debt or about this guy I’m sort of seeing or maybe my developing alcoholic tendencies — (breathe) but I couldn’t seem to organize my thoughts. I just missed writing in general. I couldn’t even remember the last time I wrote something other than a line or two for my copies. I just miss writing stories, about my experiences and whatever it is that’s going through this crazy brain of mine. Sometimes when I read something written by a colleague I couldn’t help but feel envious. They’re so good with words and expressing themselves that when I reflect on myself I don’t feel at par with them so I scrap what I’ve been writing and move it to the trash bin. So here I am, stuck in my room and letting my fingers do the talking. It’s raining outside and I couldn’t get out. I left my umbrella, which I just bought two days ago at my friend’s car.

Anyway, I’m doing just fine apart from not having money and still figuring out how I can eat, I’m really doing well, surprisingly. I have a sort of stable job that I’ve grown to like (been with the company for 8 months now – which shocks me as well) and have friends who are really supportive and fun to be around. I can say I’m happy, genuinely happy. I’m just simply enjoying this moment in my life right now and I’m glad to have people around who understands me. While problems still exist, I’m just taking it all in stride and the last thing I need right now is to make myself worry about the small stuff. I don’t want to over think things anymore and just go where the tide takes me. So, yeah, I guess for a change I’m writing something other than what’s making me sad or my quarter life crisis fiasco, I’m writing something “happy”. So that’s it. I do hope everyone who gets to read this is having a great time too and if you’re somewhere stuck, not referring to the traffic in EDSA but in life, just know that everything will be fine and whatever problems you have will pass. Take it easy and take it slow, don’t rush yourself too much and don’t worry your life away (as Jason Mraz said) because at the end of the day you’ll realize that you only have one life to live and when you do you’ll need to think about yourself and what makes you really happy. It’s all about you and your contentment so if you’re not happy, pack your bag and find it somewhere else. There are so many things out there for you to explore and so many opportunities you can tap and what you need to do is experience all of them so when you finally arrive at the end your journey, you can say that you made your life worthwhile. PS Don’t forget about your responsibilities of course (which I know I have forgotten already). So always be happy and always think positive. Smile!

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