I’m lost. I still am. I have been for a very long time now and I still don’t know where I am. What I want to do. Who I want to become. I’ve lived my life through others. Built my life around that someone who ended up breaking me apart. I’m trapped in this endless cycle of regrets and I couldn’t seem to find my way out. I’m lost. I still am lost. And no matter how many times I convince myself that there is a way out, I find myself in the same position. Is there something wrong with me? I know I’m the only person who can help me but I couldn’t seem to find the ways to do so. A wake up call. Tough love? Is that enough to get me out of this funk? I’m tired. Really tired. I’m just hanging by a thread right now. I need to be saved.
The longer we’re apart the more I’m convinced we’re not meant for each other. And sometimes I wonder if I should fight for this. For what we have. For what we had. But I’m not sure if this is even worth fighting for. I don’t know. I’m lost. And I’m tired. Tired of fighting for everything. Fighting to get what I deserve. Fighting to get what I want. I’m exhausted.
It’s okay. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel shitty right now because things aren’t working out the way you want them to. It’s okay if nothing in your life is going as planned. It’s okay if you feel like you’re at the bottom of a fucking pit hole. It’s okay. Embrace all these feelings that you have. Accept this kind of pain. Accept this kind of failure because at the end of the day, these are the things that will make you stronger. These are just tests and if you passed them then things will be much better. Trust in yourself that you can get out of this mess. Trust in your instincts. In your capabilities. In your will to survive this storm. This isn’t the first time and this won’t definitely be the last so you need to be strong. You need to keep on keeping on. You need to stand your ground and be firm. I know you’re confused. I know that you don’t know what to do anymore. You don’t know where to start or how to begin picking up the pieces of your shattered life. But you need to believe that this is just a phase. That this will be over. The everything’s going to be fine. This will be over soon. Just stay calm.
It’s the first time in a long while that you haven’t slept beside me and I honestly don’t know how to feel about it. I was sad. I was angry. I was confused. But I know the reason why and I should understand the reason why but I chose to ignore it and instead follow my feelings. And right now I feel shitty. I feel like crying any moment now, the tears ready to fall from my eyes. And now I’m not even sure if it’s because I haven’t slept yet or just because I miss lying next to you. It’s just one day I know and you’re probably thinking I’m overreacting but I know, in the back of my head, that this is the start… the start of the end. And tomorrow it will happen again, and the next day and the day after that. I must accept this now before I fall farther down below. I must accept this now while I still have the chance to climb up again. I haven’t lost you yet… not that I know of but I feel like I’m starting to one minute at a time. And should I blame myself? Should I blame you for making me feel this way? For making me feel like you need me? For making me fall for you. But I can’t and I won’t. I did this to myself and the only person to blame here is me. I let you into my life and allowed you to rule over it. I let you in and now I’m letting you break it all apart. So what do I do now? What do I do when the only thing I know I can do is set you free? It was good while it lasted… because I know it was too good to be true from the start. You’re out of my league. You’re the star and I’m just a mere mortal looking up, dreaming, hoping that one day I can reach you and hold you in my arms. I did, for a while but now it’s time to wake up. It was only a dream and as the morning sun rises, as I open my eyes, it’s time for me to get up and get back to how things used to be. I’ll try. I will. No matter how much it’ll hurt. No matter how unbearable the pain is. I’ll try. I will. Because the end is near. It’s coming and I need to prepare myself. I have to. No matter how much it’ll hurt. No matter how unbearable the pain is. I’ve lived my life without you and I can live my life now that you’re gone. So before you say the words goodbye. Before you start ignoring me. Before my heart breaks again (cause it already has) I’ll be the one to let go. I’ll be the one to set you free. Give me this cause it’s the only way I know I can live. The only way for me to move on. The only way for me carry on. I’ll try. I will. Even if it hurts. Every time it hurts. Even if the pain is unbearable. So this is my goodbye. This is me living my life… by leaving you behind.
To love someone at their worst is the hardest thing to do but the most rewarding feeling once you get through it. To stick with them no matter how fucked up things are or have become, to support them in every single way you can, to love them unconditionally even if it hurts and whenever it hurts. That’s true love. A love that you should hold on to and never let go of.
It’s so easy to write these words, to keep convincing yourself that everything will be okay. That tomorrow will be different. That things will change. But as soon as you close your eyes and fall to sleep you know that things will stay the same… it will unless to make a difference in your life. It’s in your hands, it’s your choice to make a difference. You can control your own destiny and it all starts within you. If you have the power and will to change your life now you can definitely can. So what’s holding you back? You can do it. You just need to trust yourself. You need to trust your instinct. Forget about the past. Forget all the bad decisions you made before. Forget all the mistakes you committed. Forget it and move on. You can’t let the regrets of the past hold you back and keep you from taking a step forward. Don’t let the past chain you. And yes tomorrow is a different day even though things may seem like nothing has changed it has. You’re alive and you should be thankful for that. You’re breathing again and it means you have another chance, another shot at following your dreams. Rome wasn’t built in a day and what you should need to do is keep on keeping on (whatever that means).
See, it’s so easy to write a piece to push you forward in life. It’s so easy to churn out words of wisdoms to convince you that everything will be all right. But it’s not, it’s never going to be. I don’t mean to sound like such a pessimist but this is the reality of it all. Well, at least it’s the reality for me. And my reality fucking sucks. I need someone. I really do. I need someone to tell me that this too shall pass. That I will recover from this pain. This fucking depression. This miserable fate. This sadness. I want to get out of the city. I want to go somewhere. I want to be alone with nature and breathe in fresh air. I want to be just live alone without thinking of anything else. Of work. Of people. Of love. I just want to escape and get away from all of this.