Broken Record

Hey, so how are you? I hope you’re doing fine. Well, I’m not sure how many letters I’ve written to you that I’m guessing you will never read but it’s okay. I guess, this is just a way for me to cope with all these bottled up feelings I’ve been keeping inside.

Today feels like any other day. I’ve been thinking about you and I couldn’t help but wonder if this is it. Is this all we’re ever going to be? Maybe you’re thinking that I’m not the one for you or that maybe you deserve someone better than me – someone who can provide you all the things I couldn’t. But I deserve someone better too I guess. Someone who will take care of me and love me. Someone who will be proud of the way I am. Someone who will, one day, can tell the world that I am his and he is mine.

I’ve been waiting for more than a year. Waiting and hoping that you will finally see me and my worth. And finally realize that you love me too. Love me more than just a friend but a partner in life. But will that ever happen? How long do I have to wait?

I’ve been with you through everything. I’ve been supporting you. I’ve listened to your problems and helped you resolve them. I was there by your side when you need me. I took care of you when you got sick. Fed you when you were hungry. None of this you asked from me, but I did them anyway because I wanted to take care of you. Maybe I shouldn’t ask for anything in return. Maybe I shouldn’t ask for you to love me back but that’s how I’m feeling. I’m just human after all.

But I’ve been waiting a long time now and I’m close to giving up. I’m losing hope that we’ll ever be more than what we are now. And I need to accept that. I need to force myself to think about that possibility. Maybe you’re keeping me out of convenience until you find someone else. If you are then please let me go. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to go through this pain.

Yes, this wasn’t the first time and I doubt it will be the last but I’m not sure I can handle the heartache. So please, just be honest with me and set me free.

I’m a fool. Yes. A fool in love. But that’s okay. I don’t have any regrets. At least I know that I can love someone this much and hopefully when the right person comes along I can show him the same love I have given you. The last thing I want is for anyone to feel the way you have made me feel. So when he finally comes along, I will do my best to make him feel loved and appreciated. I will never take him for granted. I will treasure every moment we spend together and make him feel like his my world.

We’re not officially together. So when I asked one of my friends for advice, he told me to let you go. He told me that I shouldn’t put myself through this because there are so many people out there. And hopefully, even just one can make me feel loved and valued.

But for now I am here. I will stay by your side and help you see this through. I will do everything I can to make you happy. But I’m close to the edge and I don’t know for how long I can hold my grip before I finally decide to let go. I will try my best to hold on to this but I can’t promise anything.

Maybe it’s for your own good too. Maybe I’m keeping your from finding your true love. But please, I’m begging you, that when that time comes, when you finally realize that I’m nothing but just a friend to you please tell me. I will let you go in peace. No hard feelings.

 

Captain

I love you, I do. More than anything in this world right now and all I really want is to be there for you – to take care of you even if you only treat me as your friend. Well, maybe best friend. But I want something more than that. I want something I could hold on to. Something that would make me feel secure about us. About what we have. But I know, there’s a part of you that is scared and a part of me that fears that maybe, just maybe I’m not the one for you. I’m not the one you’ll fall in love with. And to you, I will always be just a friend.

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God knows I’m doing everything I can for you. Even if at the risk of losing myself in the process. I’ve sacrificed so much, I’ve put everything on the line but where is it getting me? I feel like I’m running a marathon but the finish line is nowhere in sight. I’m running, just running after someone who will never be there. Who will never stop for me. This is a free fall and I’m waiting, just waiting to finally hit the bottom. And when I finally do, maybe that’s when I will finally realize the meaning of it all.

Yes. You didn’t ask any of this from me. You didn’t force me to be there for you. To help you out in your time of need. I did it all because I wanted to. I did it all even if you didn’t asked me to. Am I to blame for that? Am I to blame for putting my heart on the line? For risking it all? Maybe I’m stupid. Maybe this is stupid. Maybe I’m just wasting my time waiting for a man who would never love me back. But it’s ok. I have no regrets. All I know is I did my best, I did everything I could for you to see me as I am and accept me for everything I am not. For you to finally open your eyes and see my worth. Appreciate me for who I am and love me because of it.

I don’t want you to feel obliged. I don’t want you to stay out of pity. I don’t want you to force yourself to me. I just want you to know that when this ends, I could say that I loved you, I love you, and will keep loving you. Even if that love is unrequited.

Maybe I’m here because you need me. Maybe I’m here because it’s convenient for you. Maybe I’m here because you still haven’t met the right one. But it’s fine. I understand. I will understand. Maybe the time will come when you finally meet the man of your dreams. The man who can give you everything I couldn’t. But until that time comes I will stay here by your side. I will stay as long as you want me to and as long as you need me.

It will hurt. The pain will be unbearable. I will want to die. I will want to end it all – the suffering, the misery, the agony. But I know I will get through it. I will survive. I will move on and I will find someone else. I will be happy and I will be happy for you. It we’re not meant to be together then I’m sure we will meet the right one for us. We will meet the one who could make us happy finally. And one day, when we cross paths we’ll smile at each other, talk a little, catch up and laugh at the silly things we did. We’ll both look back at the good memories we shared and maybe recall some things that weren’t pleasant. But there won’t be any bitterness anymore.

I will thank you for all the lessons you’ve taught me. All the things I’ve learned will only serve to help me become a better person. Because I know, after all of this, I’ll be good. I’ll know what to do next and know how to deal with the pain.

I wish you nothing but the best in life. I wish you all the happiness in the world. May all your dreams come true and may you remember me and smile. That once in your life, even for a short while, you’ve met someone like me. And I will feel the same. I will remember you as the good person you are. The kind and loving guy who I fell in love with. And know that a part of me will always belong to you and you will always have a place in my heart.

So this is it. This is probably goodbye. I’m not sure how many times I’ve written to you and said goodbye but if that time comes. If I finally have the courage to say this all to you, remember the man who loved you and willing to do just about anything to make you happy.

Oh ano na?

So, kamusta ka naman?

Okay naman ako. Well, things could be worst but I think I’m doing good. Okay na ulit sa work, my boss doesn’t hate me and I think I’ve redeemed myself from my past mishaps. Alam mo na? Yun mga panahon na pinili kita kesa sa trabaho ko. Inalagaan ka nung may sakit ka at the risk of losing my job. Did I tell you that I almost got fired? Hindi ata. Oh well, katangahan ko na lang din siguro. Hindi mo naman sinabi na alagaan kita e, nagkusang loob ako. Hindi mo naman din ako pinilit kaya di din naman kita masisi sa mga putang inang nangyari sa buhay ko simula nung makilala kita.

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Oh ano na? We’ve been “friends” for more than a year na bruh. Ano ba tayo? Friends pa rin ba? Friends lang ba? Hanggang dun na lang? Oo, bro naiintindihan ko situation mo. Ayaw mo ng relationship kasi nga na-trauma ka dun sa last mo. Dun sa ex mong baliw. Pero iba naman ako sa kanya e. Okay lang iintindihin ko. Hindi naman kita minamadali. Maghihintay ako don’t worry. I’ll stay beside you kahit anong mangyari dahil magkaibigan naman tayo e.

Oh ano na? Naghihintay pa rin ako dito. Umaasa na baka sakaling paggising mo bukas e marealize mo na mahal mo na ko.

Siguro di pa to yung araw na yun. Okay lang maghihintay ako. Magtitiis ako kasi alam kong mahal na kita… Di kita kayang bitawan lalo na’t mas malalim na pinagsamahan natin. Mas nakilala na kita e. Hindi lang ikaw pati pamilya mo. Naging parte na ako ng buhay mo at ikaw sa akin. Kaya maghihintay ako.

Oh ano na? Naghahanap ka ng iba? Bored ka ba sa kin? Hindi mo ko type? Ay, oo nga pala “friends” lang pala tayo kaya okay lang makipag chat ka sa iba. Nakipag-videocall ka pa nga e. Ang sakit nun bruh kasi akala ko parang exclusive tayo pero putang ina… nagkamali ako. Tanga ko, bat ako umasa? Maling akala lang pala.

Oh ano na? Kamusta na mga naka-match mo sa Tinder?

Oh ano na? Kamusta naman sa Scruff at Growlr?

Oh ano na? Akala mo ba hindi ko alam? Akala mo lang yun pero alam ko mga ginagawa mo sa likod ko. Masakit pero hello? May karapatan ba ko masaktan? O sabhihin nararamdaman ko? “Friends” lang naman tayo di ba?

Oh ano na? Magkaiban lang tayo pero nagsesex tayo. Nagkikiss. Nagcucuddle? Friend pa rin ba turing mo sakin bro? Yeah, shit! Ayoko nito. Ayoko ng ganitong feeling. Yung nanunumbat pero putang ina naman. Konting respeto sana… Ako tong laging nandito para sayo e, para tulungan ka… I’ve always had your back bro lalo na nung mga panahon na wala kang pera, di ba pinakain kita? Eh nung wala kang pambili ng gamut? Di ba ako bumili? Lahat naman ng gusto mo sinusubukan kong ibigay eh pero di ata sapat yun?

 

Oh ano na? Kasi alam mo napapagod na din ako. Ginagawa ko naman lahat e pero bakit hanggang ngayon kaibigan pa rin turing mo sa kin? Okay lang. Tanggap ko naman. Hindi ako ka-level mo siguro. Ang gwapo mo naman kasi. Ang daming naghahabol sayo. Kahit sinong gusto mo pwede mong makuha e.

Oh ano na? Pampalipas oras lang ba ko? Dahil ba kapitbahay kita kaya ka nagtitiyaga sa akin? Dahil convenient ba? Bale, pag dumating na ba yun hinahanap mo iiwan mo na ko? Tatanungin kita kung bakit siya pinili mo pero may karapatan ba ko manghimasok sa buhay mo? Teka, kaibigan mo nga lang pala ko.

Oh ano na? Nagsawa ka na ba? Ako, malapit na e. Nakakapagod na kumapit bruh.

Oh ano na? Kamusta na kaya si Josh? Naaalala mo ba si Josh? Yun nakatira sa building mo? Yun naka “hang out” mo nung Christmas Party namin? Akala ko nga tulog ka na nun e, nasa kotse mo lang pala kayo “nagkukuwentuhan.” So “friends” lang kayo?

Oh ano na? May sakit ka ngayon. Malala? Kanser ata yan… pero sorry, nung una inisip ko baka may HIV or AIDS ka na… sorry kasi naisip ko na buti nga sayo putang ina ka… karma mo yan! Dahil sa ilang beses mo kong niloko yan napala mo.

Oh ano na? Sinong nagaalaga sayo ngayon? Sinong karamay mo ngayon ha? Ako? Andito pa din ako. Nagaabang. Naghihintay. Umaasa pa din na baka nagbago na isip mo. Baka ngayon na-realize mo na mahal mo na ko? Hindi pa din pala.

Oh ano na? Di ko na alam gagawin ko. Di kita matitigan ng derecho kasi laging pumapasok sa isip ko lahat ng katarantaduhan na pinaggagawa mo sakin noon. Porket di ako nagsalita hindi ibig sabihin na hindi ko alam.

Oh ano na? Pagod na ko bruh. Pagod na kong maging kaibigan mo. Pagod na kong ibuhos lahat ng atensyon sayo e. Pagod na ata akong maging best friend mo.

Oh ano na? Kung kaibigan lang din naman turing mo sakin eh ituring mo ko na parang kaibigan mo. Itigil na natin to.

Oh ano na? Meron pa ba?

Carry On

I’m really not sure where to begin. But looking back at how we started is the only way I know in order to figure this all out. For sure, there’s only one thing learned from all of this and that’s never assume anything.

I remember how it all started. I saw you one night coming home from work and I was immediately smitten. Yes, you were one of the most handsome guys I’ve seen in the condo and I set my goal into getting you to bed. I’m a whore, yes I admit. And all I wanted was to sleep with you and forget all about it.

So I waited, every chance I get to just see you. I spotted you on this app and started talking to you there. While you didn’t know it was me, I did my best to play it cool. Didn’t ask you to sleep with me at once or anything. I tried to be as decent as possible. Which, for me, is kind of really a challenge. And then one day we were talking that led you back to my room for drinks and a movie. A netflix and chill moment way before that phrase was even invented.

You made the first move. You kissed me and then we had sex. Days passed and we built a routine. You’d come home from work, meet me after, we’ll watch a movie and then you’ll go back to your room before dawn.

It was cool, we had some “thing” going on between us. And then it got deeper. We’ve gotten closer. Months passed and I assumed we’re special to each other. I assumed that we’re exclusive. But I guess, the more time you spend with someone, the more you see their flaws. I didn’t mind. You see, we’re not together so I don’t have the right to be angry if you use Tinder or other social chatting apps to talk to other people. My heart was breaking every time Tinder notifies you have a new match. It sucks, because I was almost there… almost falling. I was hurt but I guess it’s my fault because, again, I assumed wrong. I assumed we were something more than just friends.

You’ve lied to me countless of times. And through all of that I stayed. I don’t know why really. I stayed with you, by your side when everything in your life was falling apart. I took care of you when you were sick. I jeopardized my own job just to be with you hoping that by then you’ve had already changed your mind about me. About us. I was wrong. I was hoping for something that I couldn’t get so maybe that’s why I stayed.

So I turned a blind eye through all of it. Technically, you’re not cheating. Technically, we’re not together. Technically, this isn’t a relationship. What this is, is friendship. But fuck it. Friends don’t do what we do. Friends don’t hug each other passionately (well, on my part) and friends don’t kiss each other on the lips. And above all else, friends don’t fuck with each other.

So yes. I stayed through all the bullshit and all the lies. Because I hoped. Because I assumed. Because I knew one day you’ll change and see my worth. I gave you everything I could even if I had nothing. I sacrificed what little I have to make you feel comfortable. I went out of my way to do shit for you and this is how you repay me?

Yes. I’m stupid. Yes. I know the answer. I know you didn’t ask all of these from me. I offered. I offered to help you out because that’s what friends do. Because you’re special to me. But you choose to fuck with me over and over again.

You went to Pampanga with your mom and her fiancé. I knew you were with someone one night. I confronted you about it and lied to my face. I went home from our company’s Christmas party, called and texted you but received no response. The next day I got a message from you, you were “asleep” but I know. I know the truth. You were hanging out with someone in the car til 6 am.

But I stayed. I’m still here. Right? And what next?

I’m still just your friend. Always been a friend. And I’m afraid that after all of these, I’ll be just a friend to you. You’ll find someone else, you’ll fall in love, you’ll get into a relationship. And I’ll be here. Your friend.

It sucks. So bad. But I have to accept it. There’s really nothing much I can do I guess. I’ve done everything I could. If it’s not enough, it’s fine. I’ll move on. I just regret the time I wasted, the choices I made just to keep you… happy and satisfied when I could’ve offered my love and attention to someone who deserves it.

There’s a popular quote, “If you can love the wrong person that much, imagine what you can do if the right one comes along.” And I guess, I’m holding on to that. To that kind of love. To that kind of person. Someone who will appreciate everything I’m doing. Yes. I’m not expecting anything back. I’m not really that type who wants rewards for all of this. I guess, all I really want is to be shown some respect.

Anyway, I’ve already given up on you. On us. On what we have. I’m here. Still here. Because you’re a good friend. But I’ve given up all hope that we could be something more than that and I’m ok with that. Maybe I’m not the right person and it’s fine. I know I’ll find someone who will think I’m the right one for them.

So, this is me signing off. This is me giving you your freedom back. Freedom to do what you want, see whomever you wish to see. This is me letting you go because holding on to whatever shit we have right now is taking its toll. I love you. I loved you. But I can’t love you anymore.

I won’t hold on to any grudges anymore. You did what you did. But I can’t be the same person anymore. I can’t be the same guy you’ve met and fell head over heels with you. I’m not the same guy who will do anything just to make you happy. No. I refuse to be the same guy. I refuse to be the guy who’s willing to give up everything to make you happy and fuck me back.

I don’t need you more than you need me. You will survive this. You will find someone and I hope that someone will accept everything you are as a whole because I know for a fact that no one, no one can ever love you as much as I do. Just talk to my exes.

I’m done. Goodbye.

Britney

Britney Spears has and will always be someone I look up to no matter what. She was a hero to me growing up – at a time when I didn’t know who I was or confused as to what I’m feeling. I found someone who is confident about who she is and what she can do even if she’s very young.

I was around 11 years old when “Baby One More Time” came out and become a hit. I loved the song, I loved the video and I loved everything about it. I remember listening to it over and over again as a kid. I defended her when some of my friends said that she couldn’t sing like Christina. Well, to me, she was more than a singer, she’s an entertainer. And probably because I couldn’t sing as well. Kidding aside, I loved Britney since she first came out and followed her career religiously. When she had a very public break down, I prayed that she’d get over the problem that’s been plaguing her. I wanted her to succeed so bad, I wanted her to make a comeback. Yes, I’ve read all the articles about her mental breakdown, watched people mocked her and harassed her and hope that everything would stop. I wanted to be her friend so badly, I wanted her to keep going, I wanted to tell her that everything will be fine. That all of these are just challenges that she needs to overcome. Right now I’m just happy that Britney is back on her feet and happy as ever. I will be a fan from the beginning til the world ends.