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He was standing by the door waiting for him to come home. It’s been hours since he heard he called and now he couldn’t think of anything else. “What happened?”, he whispered to himself, confused. “Where is he now?” He wonders.
It was around 3 am in the morning when he got a call from John. He couldn’t hear him clearly but he knew he was crying. “Help!”, John said. And that bolted him out of his sleep. “Where are you?”, he asked, worried. Then the line was cut. He got from his bed, put on his clothes and rushed outside. It was raining hard that morning but even the storm couldn’t stop him from finding out what’s going on with John. He waited outside then hailed a cab.
It’s been a year since the two of them talked to each other that’s why he was surprised to hear his voice especially in such strange circumstance. John wanted space, he wanted out of the relationship to explore new things or whatever cliched reasons why a partner would break up with you. As much as it hurt him to let him go, he did. There’s really no point in begging someone to stay if they don’t want to. So they parted ways. John moved out of his place the next day and from then on they never spoke to each other again. It’s weird, in a way, to love someone so deeply and know someone so much that one day you’ll wale up strangers to each other. It’s as if the last 2 years you spent together was nothing but a dream, something that happened in a another place, another lifetime. 
John lives an hour away outside of the city. He knows because his best friend would usually update him on his whereabouts. No matter how many times he asked his friend to stop talking about John, deep inside him wanted to know what has been going on with his former lover. 
“Nothing out of the ordinary,” his best friend would say. “He’s got a new job at an advertising agency, he travels a lot and from his feed it doesn’t look like he’s dating anyone as of the moment,” he continued. “Or maybe he just doesn’t post any photos of them together?” I answered back. John is very private. He’s very reserved and doesn’t really hang out that much. He was never the type who would start a conversation. He was a bit shy and mostly kept to himself. It’s hard for him to share his feelings because he doesn’t want anyone to feel bad for him. He wants people to think that he’s strong or that he has all of this figured out but when he stares into his eyes he could tell that he’s scared. That he’s always worried. 
The first time they met was in a bookstore. He caught him checking out one of the books and walked up to him to ask if he thinks the author was good. John was taken aback for sure. To find a stranger in front of him asking about a book he hasn’t even read yet. He was embarrassed at first. It was never really like him to just walk up to someone but he was curious enough to muster all the courage he has to do it. Honestly, it wasn’t the first hime he saw John in that bookstore. He had been watching him since the day he saw him, which was about a few weeks prior. John was too consumed in his own little world that he never noticed him. For hours he would look at the titles, read the summary and finally choose one that best interests him. And he watched him, every Monday morning, like a predator observing his prey and waiting for the right moment to strike. He doesn’t want to admit it at first but he was kind of stalking him already. “I don’t know, I’m just really drawn to him,” he said to his best friend during one of their coffee breaks. “He’s so mysterious that I feel like I want to get to know him,” he continued. 
“You just probably want to fuck him,” his best friend said laughing and he answered with a resounding, “Well, yes! Of course.”
Who wouldn’t want to? He muttered while the driver drove past the bridge crossing to John’s place. John was probably one of the most beautiful person he has ever seen. He was different from all the other guys he met before. It was like he didn’t know how attractive he was. He didn’t like it when people stare at him that’s why he was always looking down, afraid to make eye contact with anyone. He just wanted to blend in with everyone else but the more he tried to the more he stood out. He was like a Greek god walking amongst us mere mortals just trying to hide his identity but failing at the same time. 
“He’s probably weird,” he told his best friend. “Maybe something happened to him as a kid that fucked up his entire existence,” he added. But the more he tried to figure him out the more he got absorbed. His curiosity just kept growing and growing until one day, when finally had the courage, he walked over to him and talked.
He felt the rush of blood rising the moment he spoke. His face was red from embarrassment that all he could think of was running away and just forget what happened. He’ll never go back to that hook store ever again, he though to himself. But he was still there, standing, frozen, unable to move. 
He was more beautiful up close, he realized. How could someone who looks like this man in front of me can go unnoticed all his life. He could have been an actor or a model or just be famous for having a face like that. So he stared at him and he stared back in awe. 
People often talk about the significant moments that defined their lives and for him it was this moment. A single moment that seemed to stretch for a lifetime. 
He waited for him to answer back. Looked into his eyes for some answers until he finally opened his mouth.
“You can see me?” John said.

2017 #Goals

1. Travel 
I wasn’t able to travel a lot last year so I’m hoping that 2017 would bring more opportunities for me to see new places, meet new people and learn about new cultures. I barely had enough to survive 2016 that’s why I want to a lot some small portion of my earnings for traveling. I did went to Ilo-ilo for Dinagyang in January, which was a first for me. I camped in Zambales too and went back to Boracay for Labor Day, which was actually my 3rd time. Other than that I pretty much just spent 2016 in Metro Manila. 
My long term goal is to travel to Europe (hopefully by the first quarter of 2018) but for now I will settle for other Asian countries. Maybe Japan or South Korea by the end of the year. I’m also hoping to explore more of what Philippines has to offer. I know it’s a shame that I haven’t been to some of the countries top tourist destinations but this year would be a perfect opportunity for that. Whether I go alone, with friends or someone special doesn’t matter. But it would be nice to share the expenses as well.
2. Save

I’ll turn 30 in a couple of years and I still don’t have much on my. savings. I don’t even have a huge investment yet. 2016 had been a year long wake up call for me to set new priorities. I am worried about my future but for now I’m just happy to have a stable job that I really like and other source of income with my “rakets”. While mu day job doesn’t pay much it’s enough to help me survive day to day and save a little if necessary.
3. Family

I barely spent any time with my family last year for personal reasons {back read and you’ll know why) so this year I’d really want to be at home whenever I can. I feel like I already missed out a lot especially with my niece and nephew growing up so fast so hopefully I could spend more time with them.
4. Me

This year I want to focus on myself. As bad as it may sound, I’m going to he a little more selfish and priorities my needs and wants. I’ve been so caught up with the world around me snd focusing on other people that I forgot to take care of myself. Choosing a healthier lifestyle – avoid fast foods, cut down on smoking and go back to the gym. I also want to learn a new sport or at least play sport from time to time. I also want to improve my skills as a writer and a graphic artist. I also want to explore more opportunities outside my job in order to earn extra and learn something new along the way.

Broken Record

Hey, so how are you? I hope you’re doing fine. Well, I’m not sure how many letters I’ve written to you that I’m guessing you will never read but it’s okay. I guess, this is just a way for me to cope with all these bottled up feelings I’ve been keeping inside.

Today feels like any other day. I’ve been thinking about you and I couldn’t help but wonder if this is it. Is this all we’re ever going to be? Maybe you’re thinking that I’m not the one for you or that maybe you deserve someone better than me – someone who can provide you all the things I couldn’t. But I deserve someone better too I guess. Someone who will take care of me and love me. Someone who will be proud of the way I am. Someone who will, one day, can tell the world that I am his and he is mine.

I’ve been waiting for more than a year. Waiting and hoping that you will finally see me and my worth. And finally realize that you love me too. Love me more than just a friend but a partner in life. But will that ever happen? How long do I have to wait?

I’ve been with you through everything. I’ve been supporting you. I’ve listened to your problems and helped you resolve them. I was there by your side when you need me. I took care of you when you got sick. Fed you when you were hungry. None of this you asked from me, but I did them anyway because I wanted to take care of you. Maybe I shouldn’t ask for anything in return. Maybe I shouldn’t ask for you to love me back but that’s how I’m feeling. I’m just human after all.

But I’ve been waiting a long time now and I’m close to giving up. I’m losing hope that we’ll ever be more than what we are now. And I need to accept that. I need to force myself to think about that possibility. Maybe you’re keeping me out of convenience until you find someone else. If you are then please let me go. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to go through this pain.

Yes, this wasn’t the first time and I doubt it will be the last but I’m not sure I can handle the heartache. So please, just be honest with me and set me free.

I’m a fool. Yes. A fool in love. But that’s okay. I don’t have any regrets. At least I know that I can love someone this much and hopefully when the right person comes along I can show him the same love I have given you. The last thing I want is for anyone to feel the way you have made me feel. So when he finally comes along, I will do my best to make him feel loved and appreciated. I will never take him for granted. I will treasure every moment we spend together and make him feel like his my world.

We’re not officially together. So when I asked one of my friends for advice, he told me to let you go. He told me that I shouldn’t put myself through this because there are so many people out there. And hopefully, even just one can make me feel loved and valued.

But for now I am here. I will stay by your side and help you see this through. I will do everything I can to make you happy. But I’m close to the edge and I don’t know for how long I can hold my grip before I finally decide to let go. I will try my best to hold on to this but I can’t promise anything.

Maybe it’s for your own good too. Maybe I’m keeping your from finding your true love. But please, I’m begging you, that when that time comes, when you finally realize that I’m nothing but just a friend to you please tell me. I will let you go in peace. No hard feelings.

 

Captain

I love you, I do. More than anything in this world right now and all I really want is to be there for you – to take care of you even if you only treat me as your friend. Well, maybe best friend. But I want something more than that. I want something I could hold on to. Something that would make me feel secure about us. About what we have. But I know, there’s a part of you that is scared and a part of me that fears that maybe, just maybe I’m not the one for you. I’m not the one you’ll fall in love with. And to you, I will always be just a friend.

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God knows I’m doing everything I can for you. Even if at the risk of losing myself in the process. I’ve sacrificed so much, I’ve put everything on the line but where is it getting me? I feel like I’m running a marathon but the finish line is nowhere in sight. I’m running, just running after someone who will never be there. Who will never stop for me. This is a free fall and I’m waiting, just waiting to finally hit the bottom. And when I finally do, maybe that’s when I will finally realize the meaning of it all.

Yes. You didn’t ask any of this from me. You didn’t force me to be there for you. To help you out in your time of need. I did it all because I wanted to. I did it all even if you didn’t asked me to. Am I to blame for that? Am I to blame for putting my heart on the line? For risking it all? Maybe I’m stupid. Maybe this is stupid. Maybe I’m just wasting my time waiting for a man who would never love me back. But it’s ok. I have no regrets. All I know is I did my best, I did everything I could for you to see me as I am and accept me for everything I am not. For you to finally open your eyes and see my worth. Appreciate me for who I am and love me because of it.

I don’t want you to feel obliged. I don’t want you to stay out of pity. I don’t want you to force yourself to me. I just want you to know that when this ends, I could say that I loved you, I love you, and will keep loving you. Even if that love is unrequited.

Maybe I’m here because you need me. Maybe I’m here because it’s convenient for you. Maybe I’m here because you still haven’t met the right one. But it’s fine. I understand. I will understand. Maybe the time will come when you finally meet the man of your dreams. The man who can give you everything I couldn’t. But until that time comes I will stay here by your side. I will stay as long as you want me to and as long as you need me.

It will hurt. The pain will be unbearable. I will want to die. I will want to end it all – the suffering, the misery, the agony. But I know I will get through it. I will survive. I will move on and I will find someone else. I will be happy and I will be happy for you. It we’re not meant to be together then I’m sure we will meet the right one for us. We will meet the one who could make us happy finally. And one day, when we cross paths we’ll smile at each other, talk a little, catch up and laugh at the silly things we did. We’ll both look back at the good memories we shared and maybe recall some things that weren’t pleasant. But there won’t be any bitterness anymore.

I will thank you for all the lessons you’ve taught me. All the things I’ve learned will only serve to help me become a better person. Because I know, after all of this, I’ll be good. I’ll know what to do next and know how to deal with the pain.

I wish you nothing but the best in life. I wish you all the happiness in the world. May all your dreams come true and may you remember me and smile. That once in your life, even for a short while, you’ve met someone like me. And I will feel the same. I will remember you as the good person you are. The kind and loving guy who I fell in love with. And know that a part of me will always belong to you and you will always have a place in my heart.

So this is it. This is probably goodbye. I’m not sure how many times I’ve written to you and said goodbye but if that time comes. If I finally have the courage to say this all to you, remember the man who loved you and willing to do just about anything to make you happy.

Oh ano na?

So, kamusta ka naman?

Okay naman ako. Well, things could be worst but I think I’m doing good. Okay na ulit sa work, my boss doesn’t hate me and I think I’ve redeemed myself from my past mishaps. Alam mo na? Yun mga panahon na pinili kita kesa sa trabaho ko. Inalagaan ka nung may sakit ka at the risk of losing my job. Did I tell you that I almost got fired? Hindi ata. Oh well, katangahan ko na lang din siguro. Hindi mo naman sinabi na alagaan kita e, nagkusang loob ako. Hindi mo naman din ako pinilit kaya di din naman kita masisi sa mga putang inang nangyari sa buhay ko simula nung makilala kita.

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Oh ano na? We’ve been “friends” for more than a year na bruh. Ano ba tayo? Friends pa rin ba? Friends lang ba? Hanggang dun na lang? Oo, bro naiintindihan ko situation mo. Ayaw mo ng relationship kasi nga na-trauma ka dun sa last mo. Dun sa ex mong baliw. Pero iba naman ako sa kanya e. Okay lang iintindihin ko. Hindi naman kita minamadali. Maghihintay ako don’t worry. I’ll stay beside you kahit anong mangyari dahil magkaibigan naman tayo e.

Oh ano na? Naghihintay pa rin ako dito. Umaasa na baka sakaling paggising mo bukas e marealize mo na mahal mo na ko.

Siguro di pa to yung araw na yun. Okay lang maghihintay ako. Magtitiis ako kasi alam kong mahal na kita… Di kita kayang bitawan lalo na’t mas malalim na pinagsamahan natin. Mas nakilala na kita e. Hindi lang ikaw pati pamilya mo. Naging parte na ako ng buhay mo at ikaw sa akin. Kaya maghihintay ako.

Oh ano na? Naghahanap ka ng iba? Bored ka ba sa kin? Hindi mo ko type? Ay, oo nga pala “friends” lang pala tayo kaya okay lang makipag chat ka sa iba. Nakipag-videocall ka pa nga e. Ang sakit nun bruh kasi akala ko parang exclusive tayo pero putang ina… nagkamali ako. Tanga ko, bat ako umasa? Maling akala lang pala.

Oh ano na? Kamusta na mga naka-match mo sa Tinder?

Oh ano na? Kamusta naman sa Scruff at Growlr?

Oh ano na? Akala mo ba hindi ko alam? Akala mo lang yun pero alam ko mga ginagawa mo sa likod ko. Masakit pero hello? May karapatan ba ko masaktan? O sabhihin nararamdaman ko? “Friends” lang naman tayo di ba?

Oh ano na? Magkaiban lang tayo pero nagsesex tayo. Nagkikiss. Nagcucuddle? Friend pa rin ba turing mo sakin bro? Yeah, shit! Ayoko nito. Ayoko ng ganitong feeling. Yung nanunumbat pero putang ina naman. Konting respeto sana… Ako tong laging nandito para sayo e, para tulungan ka… I’ve always had your back bro lalo na nung mga panahon na wala kang pera, di ba pinakain kita? Eh nung wala kang pambili ng gamut? Di ba ako bumili? Lahat naman ng gusto mo sinusubukan kong ibigay eh pero di ata sapat yun?

 

Oh ano na? Kasi alam mo napapagod na din ako. Ginagawa ko naman lahat e pero bakit hanggang ngayon kaibigan pa rin turing mo sa kin? Okay lang. Tanggap ko naman. Hindi ako ka-level mo siguro. Ang gwapo mo naman kasi. Ang daming naghahabol sayo. Kahit sinong gusto mo pwede mong makuha e.

Oh ano na? Pampalipas oras lang ba ko? Dahil ba kapitbahay kita kaya ka nagtitiyaga sa akin? Dahil convenient ba? Bale, pag dumating na ba yun hinahanap mo iiwan mo na ko? Tatanungin kita kung bakit siya pinili mo pero may karapatan ba ko manghimasok sa buhay mo? Teka, kaibigan mo nga lang pala ko.

Oh ano na? Nagsawa ka na ba? Ako, malapit na e. Nakakapagod na kumapit bruh.

Oh ano na? Kamusta na kaya si Josh? Naaalala mo ba si Josh? Yun nakatira sa building mo? Yun naka “hang out” mo nung Christmas Party namin? Akala ko nga tulog ka na nun e, nasa kotse mo lang pala kayo “nagkukuwentuhan.” So “friends” lang kayo?

Oh ano na? May sakit ka ngayon. Malala? Kanser ata yan… pero sorry, nung una inisip ko baka may HIV or AIDS ka na… sorry kasi naisip ko na buti nga sayo putang ina ka… karma mo yan! Dahil sa ilang beses mo kong niloko yan napala mo.

Oh ano na? Sinong nagaalaga sayo ngayon? Sinong karamay mo ngayon ha? Ako? Andito pa din ako. Nagaabang. Naghihintay. Umaasa pa din na baka nagbago na isip mo. Baka ngayon na-realize mo na mahal mo na ko? Hindi pa din pala.

Oh ano na? Di ko na alam gagawin ko. Di kita matitigan ng derecho kasi laging pumapasok sa isip ko lahat ng katarantaduhan na pinaggagawa mo sakin noon. Porket di ako nagsalita hindi ibig sabihin na hindi ko alam.

Oh ano na? Pagod na ko bruh. Pagod na kong maging kaibigan mo. Pagod na kong ibuhos lahat ng atensyon sayo e. Pagod na ata akong maging best friend mo.

Oh ano na? Kung kaibigan lang din naman turing mo sakin eh ituring mo ko na parang kaibigan mo. Itigil na natin to.

Oh ano na? Meron pa ba?