17th President of The Philippines

So, today marks the inauguration of the new president of the Philippines and I honestly don’t know how to feel about it. Yes, I supported Leni last election so I have my reservations about BBM winning. I honestly hope that the 31 million Filipinos that voted for him will prove me and the rest of the Filipinos wrong. I want them to be right for once, I want to believe they saw something in him that I didn’t. That he’s the right person for the job and “unites” the country.

At the end of the day, all I’m really hoping for is for this country to progress regardless of who’s leading it. So yes, while I supported Leni, I also hope for the best. 

Fill The Gaps

We accept the love that we think we deserve maybe that’s why we settle for the bare minimum. I don’t know if I’m asking too much or maybe I’m just getting too little but I can’t help but feel like I’m getting the short end of the stick. I’ve been very supportive of you. I understand that you’re busy. You have so many things going on in your life that sometimes I don’t know if I have a place in it. You would cancel plans because you have something else that you need to prioritize. But what can I do? I don’t want to compete with your goals. I don’t want to interfere with your dreams so I take a step back and let you do your thing.

These past few days, I can’t help but wonder if I deserve this kind of relationship? Don’t I deserve someone who will pause watching a movie just to respond to my texts? Don’t I deserve someone who will cancel his plans to see me? Do I sound needy? Am I clingy? Am I being immature? Is it bad to want someone who will take some time to be with me despite his busy schedule?

Maybe I’m just longing for some type of affection. I just want to hold your hands and feel your skin over mine. I just want to be able to hug you tightly but I can’t even do that because we never have time alone.

When we go out on dates, we just do the same things. We eat, walk around the mall, watch a movie if you’re on the mood and then we go our separate ways. It honestly feels like we’re just two friends hanging out. There’s nothing special about what we do because it’s the same thing that you do with your other friends.

It is frustrating.

As much as I hate subscribing to these “love languages” or using your zodiac to justify your behavior and personality. I can’t help but think that maybe it’s true. For one, I know that I am someone who longs for physical touch. I love to hug people, rub their backs or brush their hair. That’s just how I show affection without saying a word or showing how much I care.

While I understand that we all have different ways to express our love what happens if you’re not getting it from your partner? Has the relationship reached its peak or has it plateaued?

Let Leni Lead

The election is just a few days away and I really hope that Leni wins the presidency. Just based on her track record alone, she is the only qualified candidate that can really bring progress to this country.

I’ve been to #PasigLaban and #PasayIsPink rallies, and I’ve seen hope in the faces of the people I meet. Hope for a better future for our country. I’ve listened to her speeches and I could feel the sincerity in her voice and that’s something I want to stand behind. I want my vote to count for this coming election and I know that in my heart, I am choosing the right person to lead us.

It’s OK

Sometimes I just have to remind myself that everything’s gonna be okay. I’ve been through a lot worse and I’ve come out fine. Sabi nga nila, wala naman binibigay na pagsubok sa atin na hindi natin kakayanin. Sure, the wounds are still there and they remind me every day of the past failures that I had to overcome. Ang hirap na pinagdaanan mo dati, nagsisilbi silang paalala sa ‘yo. All those feelings remain even after the wound has healed to remind you that you can move on. Ilang beses na din naman ako nadapa pero bumangon naman ako ulit. Minsan matagal, minsan mabilis pero wala naman siguro sa haba ng panahon ‘yan… siguro ang mahalaga nakatayo ka pa din.

Sometimes I just have to remind myself what I’m worth. Minsan kasi nakakalimutan ko ang sarili ko dahil sa kagustuhan ko na mapasaya ang ibang tao. Hindi naman ako selfish eh. I’m willing to sacrifice a lot for other people. Ginagawa ko naman ang mga iyon dahil ginusto ko. Wala naman akong ibang kailangan sisihin sa huli kung hindi ang sarili ko din. Oo nagparaya ako. Nagpakatanga, nagbulag-bulagan. Ganon talaga pag nagmahal ka. Ibibigay mo ang lahat. Hindi naman kasi pwede na magmahal ka ng kulang. Hindi naman ito pahulugan. Kailangan mong sumugal eh. Ayun nga lang, minsan talo, minsan panalo.

It’s not the first time I went through all these things, all these feelings. Ang tanda ko na pero ewan ko ba. Parang hindi ako natututo pagdating sa puso. Yes, I have learned a lesson or two but somehow I keep finding myself back in the same cycle. Ito na naman tayo, mahuhulog sa isang tao. Mapapraning kakaisip kung nasaan na siya at anong ginagawa niya. Iniisip ka ba niya? Nag-aalala ba siya sayo? Sapat ka na ba para sa kaniya? Kuntento ba siya sa ‘yo? Kaya mo bang ibigay lahat nang maibibigay mo hanggang sa wala nang matira para sa sarili mo? Ang hirap mag-overthink sa totoo lang. Ang hirap isipin na baka kulang ka pa rin kahit ibigay mo na ang lahat. Ang sakit.

Sometimes I just have to appreciate myself more. Find things about myself that have value. May mga qualities naman ako na siguro magugustuhan ng mga tao. May mga kaibigan pa din naman ako na nalalapitan at nilalapitan din naman nila ako pag may problema sila. Di ko naman masasabi na mabuti akong tao pero sinusubukan ko naman maging mabait. Tumutulong naman ako hanggang sa makakaya ko. Wala naman akong hinihingi na kapalit. Gasgas na pero wala naman kasi talagang taong perpekto. Lahat naman tayo may mga pagkukulang. May mga kani-kaniyag topak. May mga bagay tayo na ginagawa na hindi natin namamalayan nakakasakit na pala ng iba. Sensitive naman siguro ako kahit papaano. Self-aware naman ako sa mga nangyayari sa paligid ko. Pero siyempre hindi naman maiiwasn magkamali ang importante naman ay natuto tayo sa mga karanasan natin.

Hindi naman ako ambisyoso. Sa totoo lang, hindi naman mataas ang mga pangarap ko. Hindi naman ako naghangan na yumaman talaga or maging sikat. Masaya naman ako sa simpleng buhay eh. Kaso, para sa ibang tao hindi sapat yun. Kaya siguro mababa ang tingin ng iba sa akin pero okay lang naman. Magkakaiba naman kasi tayo ng batayan pagdating sa success eh. Sa iba siguro successful ang tingin nila sa taong madami ang pera o properties. Successful para sa iba yung may magandang career. Successful para sa iba yung maganda ang kalagayan ng pamilya. What I consider success maybe impractical because I measure it based on how much content I feel when I make people happy. Hindi naman ako masyado naniniwala sa mga love languages talaga pero siguro isa na sa akin yung acts of service. Masaya naman ako pag alam kong natutulungan ko yung taong mahal ko lagpasan ang problema niya. Kahit gaano ka simple siguro masaya na ako basta alam kong andun ako sa tabi niya pag kailangan niya ako.

I need to fight for what I deserve pero nakakapagod eh. Nakakapagod din naman lumaban. Nakakapagod din naman ipaglaban ang taong sumuko na sa ‘yo. Pero ganoon pa man, kailangan mo pa din naman ipagpatuloy ang laban. Kapag pagod ka na, pwede ka naman magpahinga pero wag ka lang susuko. Okay lang naman kahit mabagal ang takbo pero wag ka lang hihinto.

Ilang beses ko na din naman tinatatak sa utak ko na kailangan ko mahalin ang sarili ko. Unahin ang sarili ko. Isipin ang sarili ko. Gawin ang nakakapag pasaya sa akin. Na-realize ko lang na yung mga bagay kase na nagpapasaya sa akin eh yung mga ginawa gawa ko din para sa iba. Ewan ko din sa sarili ko minsan. Kaya kong gutumin sarili ko para lang makapag ipon para ibigay sa isang tao. Honestly, the lengths I went through before when I look back, I can’t help but cringe. Nakakatawa naman kase pero siyempre nung time na ginawa mo yun, wala ka naman inisip na iba kung di mapasaya yung tao di ba?

Oo, part of me regrets some of the decisions I’ve made but part of me has also accepted that those decisions made me happy at some point. Again, ginusto ko naman gawin yun. Wala naman pumilit sa akin kaya kung nasaktan man ako… ako lang sisisihin ko di ba?

On the flip side. Oo, mabilis ako magmahal. Nababaliw ako pag nagmahal. Kaya ko ibigay ang lahat. Pero pag ako naman napagod mabilis din ako bumitaw. Lalo na kung hindi ko naman nararamdaman na mahal ako. Pero diba sabi ko kanina, kaya kong ibigay ang lahat kahit walang kapalit? Oo, kaya ko naman pero siyempre sino ba naman ang di mauubos kakabigay kung hindi mo nararamdaman na na-appreciate ka. Kung hindi mo nararamdaman yung effort. Kung nababaliwala ka. Kung pakiramdam mo naman na you are being taken for granted.

At the end of the day, nothing is set in stone. Hindi naman natin talaga alam kung ano mangyayari mamaya o bukas o sa susunod na mga araw. We can plan but we cannot predict the outcome. We can only try to live our lives the best way we can. Hindi naman natin kaya kontrolin ang mga mangyayari. Hindi naman natin malalaman ang iniisip ng isa’t isa. We can only control our own emotions and how we respond to situations. We always have a choice whether we want to be good or we want to follow our own paths away from the expectations that society has set for us.

Anger Issues

I realized that sometimes it’s best to just keep quiet when you’re mad. It’s okay to walk away from situations where you feel like you need some space to think. We all deal with our emotions in different ways, we also respond to anger in different ways. Most of us want to confront the other person right away while someone like me would like to take time to deal with it on my own. Yes, I get angry too but I also know when to speak up and when to shut up. I honestly don’t want to say things that I might regret later. I really try to choose my words carefully and it’s not easy. I’m not the best at expressing myself when I talk, maybe that’s I write it instead.

Yes, I do raise my voice when I feel frustrated especially when I’m trying to explain myself but couldn’t get a word in. It is especially difficult for me to control what I feel at the moment sometimes that’s why I have the tendency to walk away or stay silent.

I’m not the type who needs to win an argument. I am self-aware. I can take a few steps back and think if I’m at fault. I can’t always blame the other person, I also need to look at myself and if I have done something wrong or said something out of line. I don’t need to have the last word. I don’t need to win. I just need to get my point across as clearly as I can.

I’ve been through a lot. I’m older now so I guess I’m a little wiser. I would like to think that I have matured already and that I can process my emotions or direct my anger in healthier ways. I guess I’m at that point in my life where I stopped letting small things bother me. I have learned to let go and move on. I want some peace of mind more than anything. I can’t let certain situations get me down. I don’t want to engage in arguments and I can always choose to ignore things that can upset me.