Let Live, Let Go

The longer we’re apart the more I’m convinced we’re not meant for each other. And sometimes I wonder if I should fight for this. For what we have. For what we had. But I’m not sure if this is even worth fighting for. I don’t know. I’m lost. And I’m tired. Tired of fighting for everything. Fighting to get what I deserve. Fighting to get what I want. I’m exhausted.

Calm After The Storm

It’s okay. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel shitty right now because things aren’t working out the way you want them to. It’s okay if nothing in your life is going as planned. It’s okay if you feel like you’re at the bottom of a fucking pit hole. It’s okay. Embrace all these feelings that you have. Accept this kind of pain. Accept this kind of failure because at the end of the day, these are the things that will make you stronger. These are just tests and if you passed them then things will be much better. Trust in yourself that you can get out of this mess. Trust in your instincts. In your capabilities. In your will to survive this storm. This isn’t the first time and this won’t definitely be the last so you need to be strong. You need to keep on keeping on. You need to stand your ground and be firm. I know you’re confused. I know that you don’t know what to do anymore. You don’t know where to start or how to begin picking up the pieces of your shattered life. But you need to believe that this is just a phase. That this will be over. The everything’s going to be fine. This will be over soon. Just stay calm.

Ramblings (4)

It’s the first time in a long while that you haven’t slept beside me and I honestly don’t know how to feel about it. I was sad. I was angry. I was confused. But I know the reason why and I should understand the reason why but I chose to ignore it and instead follow my feelings. And right now I feel shitty. I feel like crying any moment now, the tears ready to fall from my eyes. And now I’m not even sure if it’s because I haven’t slept yet or just because I miss lying next to you. It’s just one day I know and you’re probably thinking I’m overreacting but I know, in the back of my head, that this is the start… the start of the end. And tomorrow it will happen again, and the next day and the day after that. I must accept this now before I fall farther down below. I must accept this now while I still have the chance to climb up again. I haven’t lost you yet… not that I know of but I feel like I’m starting to one minute at a time. And should I blame myself? Should I blame you for making me feel this way? For making me feel like you need me? For making me fall for you. But I can’t and I won’t. I did this to myself and the only person to blame here is me. I let you into my life and allowed you to rule over it. I let you in and now I’m letting you break it all apart. So what do I do now? What do I do when the only thing I know I can do is set you free? It was good while it lasted… because I know it was too good to be true from the start. You’re out of my league. You’re the star and I’m just a mere mortal looking up, dreaming, hoping that one day I can reach you and hold you in my arms. I did, for a while but now it’s time to wake up. It was only a dream and as the morning sun rises, as I open my eyes, it’s time for me to get up and get back to how things used to be. I’ll try. I will. No matter how much it’ll hurt. No matter how unbearable the pain is. I’ll try. I will. Because the end is near. It’s coming and I need to prepare myself. I have to. No matter how much it’ll hurt. No matter how unbearable the pain is. I’ve lived my life without you and I can live my life now that you’re gone. So before you say the words goodbye. Before you start ignoring me. Before my heart breaks again (cause it already has) I’ll be the one to let go. I’ll be the one to set you free. Give me this cause it’s the only way I know I can live. The only way for me to move on. The only way for me carry on. I’ll try. I will. Even if it hurts. Every time it hurts. Even if the pain is unbearable. So this is my goodbye. This is me living my life… by leaving you behind.

Ramblings (3)

To love someone at their worst is the hardest thing to do but the most rewarding feeling once you get through it. To stick with them no matter how fucked up things are or have become, to support them in every single way you can, to love them unconditionally even if it hurts and whenever it hurts. That’s true love. A love that you should hold on to and never let go of.

It’s so easy to write these words, to keep convincing yourself that everything will be okay. That tomorrow will be different. That things will change. But as soon as you close your eyes and fall to sleep you know that things will stay the same… it will unless to make a difference in your life. It’s in your hands, it’s your choice to make a difference. You can control your own destiny and it all starts within you. If you have the power and will to change your life now you can definitely can. So what’s holding you back? You can do it. You just need to trust yourself. You need to trust your instinct. Forget about the past. Forget all the bad decisions you made before. Forget all the mistakes you committed. Forget it and move on. You can’t let the regrets of the past hold you back and keep you from taking a step forward. Don’t let the past chain you. And yes tomorrow is a different day even though things may seem like nothing has changed it has. You’re alive and you should be thankful for that. You’re breathing again and it means you have another chance, another shot at following your dreams. Rome wasn’t built in a day and what you should need to do is keep on keeping on (whatever that means).

See, it’s so easy to write a piece to push you forward in life. It’s so easy to churn out words of wisdoms to convince you that everything will be all right. But it’s not, it’s never going to be. I don’t mean to sound like such a pessimist but this is the reality of it all. Well, at least it’s the reality for me. And my reality fucking sucks. I need someone. I really do. I need someone to tell me that this too shall pass. That I will recover from this pain. This fucking depression. This miserable fate. This sadness. I want to get out of the city. I want to go somewhere. I want to be alone with nature and breathe in fresh air. I want to be just live alone without thinking of anything else. Of work. Of people. Of love. I just want to escape and get away from all of this.

Ramblings (2)

Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to let go of the one thing that you love most. It’s painful I know. And as the cliché goes, if you really love them, set them free. It’s going to hurt like fuck but in the long run you know that it’s for the best. Sacrifices must be made in order to find true happiness. And true happiness, in order to achieve it – you must pay a huge price.

Whenever I meet someone new I always do my best to give it my all. Whether I know it’s going to hurt me in the end, I still do it. It doesn’t matter what the outcome will be as long as you’re happy. At the end of the day, it’s only you who can make yourself happy no matter what the situation is or whomever you are with. That’s what you do, make the most of every moment you have together and pray that he feels the same way. You do things to make him happy. You make time for him and show him how much you care. You devote yourself to him in hopes that he will do the same to you. But the reality is, we’re not all built the same way. We all grew up from different backgrounds and we all experience love in many ways. You can’t really change a person but what you can do is accept that person for who he is – no matter what. Accept all his flaws and all his weaknesses. Be there for him and support him in all his decisions. It’s really not about being a martyr. It’s not about playing a doormat. It’s about understanding. It’s about being the bigger person even if at times he doesn’t see it. It’s not going to be easy. You’re going to struggle for a while. You’ll have your doubts. You’ll feel insecure. You’ll feel unworthy. But it’s perfectly fine to feel all these things. It’s fine to think that you’re not good enough for him. It’s fine to think that because of that he’ll fine someone better than you. Someone who can take care all of his needs. Someone who can give him what you can’t and offer him everything that you don’t have. You’re broke. The money you have you save for him. You make sacrifices for him that he doesn’t even know. Because you want him in your life and you’re afraid of letting go. You hold on. Hold on to that little voice in your head that thinks you’re special for him. That he sees something special in you. You pretend that everything’s okay. You pretend that you’re not jealous at all when he flirts around. You laugh at his jokes and smile all the time. Because the truth is, you’re not together. You’re not in a relationship. You’re just someone close by. The neighbor. The friend. That’s all you’re going to be. So stop. Stop fantasizing that this will be more than what it is. Stop dreaming and wake up to the reality. You’re there. You’re convenient that’s why he’s around. And when he moves out and moves on with his life, you’ll be just another guy. Another friend. Another memory. He’ll forget about you soon. So stop clinging into your delusion that things will be different. That you can change him. That you’re the only for him cause you’re not. You’re just one of the many guys he’s seeing. You’re not special. You’re not good looking, You can stop fighting for him now and just let him be. Let him go. He deserves so much better. He deserves someone who can make him happy more than you can. So stop clinging into him. It will only hurt you. You will only destroy yourself. And you’ll find yourself back in square one. Lost and confused. Nowhere to go. Down. So from this moment on, just breathe and let it all go. Just surrender everything to the hands of God and let His will be done. Smile. Accept it now before it’s too late. Accept the fact that this is it. Stop expecting anymore when you know you’ll only be disappointed at the end. Just be there for him when he needs you but never be too needy of him. He may not see your value now and he will soon take all your kindness for granted but it’s okay. It happens all the time. Stop wearing your heart on your sleeves. Stop thinking about him and just live your life. Prepare yourself for the worst. This way, the impact will only be minimal. You won’t get hurt that much and you’ll recover faster. Just know that you’re worth it and a lot of guys will be lucky to have you and love you but if he’s not one of them then it’s not really your lost. You know who you are deep inside. You know what you can give. You know there’s good in you. And if he fails to see that then it’s okay. You move on and find your happiness somewhere else and with someone else. Be happy. So stop acting like you two are in a freaking relationship because you’re not. Stop acting like you’re his boyfriend because you’re not. You’re just some guy he hangs out with all the time. So stop thinking that there will be more to what you have now. Clear your head and forget about him for a minute. Stop thinking about what he’s doing or who is he with when he’s not with you. He’s not committed to you and so are you. You can see other people. See your friends and family. See other guys if you want because unless he asks you to be exclusive to him then you still have that right. Stop imagining stuff! Stop over thinking every single thing he says or every move he makes. It could be nothing at all. So stop it. Stop making him a priority and start focusing on yourself because as soon as he leaves you behind there will be nothing left of you again. And you can’t have that happen, don’t allow it to happen. Don’t allow your heart to fall again for the wrong guy. For the guy you know who can’t love you the same as you do. Close your eyes and get some sleep. Stop worrying cause it will do you no good. Stop. Just stop. Stop waiting for his texts. Stop waiting for him to make the first move. Stop being desperate. Because if he wants you, he’ll be there for you and will look for you and if he doesn’t then what? Stop playing the fool.

Why can’t life be simple? What happened to us? Can’t we just go back to the beginning where things aren’t so complicated? When a piece of candy can make all the hurt go away? Why did we ever grow up? Why did we ever learn? Why couldn’t we be satisfied of what we have? Why do we have all these desires to need things? To be the best and aim high? Why is it so wrong to just live your life without ambition? Without a clue? Just be ignorant. Why do we have to acquire knowledge? Why do we have to know the answers for things that we can’t understand? Why do we ask questions? Why can’t we just be ourselves? Be happy without thinking of what other people have to say?