Oh ano na?

So, kamusta ka naman?

Okay naman ako. Well, things could be worst but I think I’m doing good. Okay na ulit sa work, my boss doesn’t hate me and I think I’ve redeemed myself from my past mishaps. Alam mo na? Yun mga panahon na pinili kita kesa sa trabaho ko. Inalagaan ka nung may sakit ka at the risk of losing my job. Did I tell you that I almost got fired? Hindi ata. Oh well, katangahan ko na lang din siguro. Hindi mo naman sinabi na alagaan kita e, nagkusang loob ako. Hindi mo naman din ako pinilit kaya di din naman kita masisi sa mga putang inang nangyari sa buhay ko simula nung makilala kita.

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Oh ano na? We’ve been “friends” for more than a year na bruh. Ano ba tayo? Friends pa rin ba? Friends lang ba? Hanggang dun na lang? Oo, bro naiintindihan ko situation mo. Ayaw mo ng relationship kasi nga na-trauma ka dun sa last mo. Dun sa ex mong baliw. Pero iba naman ako sa kanya e. Okay lang iintindihin ko. Hindi naman kita minamadali. Maghihintay ako don’t worry. I’ll stay beside you kahit anong mangyari dahil magkaibigan naman tayo e.

Oh ano na? Naghihintay pa rin ako dito. Umaasa na baka sakaling paggising mo bukas e marealize mo na mahal mo na ko.

Siguro di pa to yung araw na yun. Okay lang maghihintay ako. Magtitiis ako kasi alam kong mahal na kita… Di kita kayang bitawan lalo na’t mas malalim na pinagsamahan natin. Mas nakilala na kita e. Hindi lang ikaw pati pamilya mo. Naging parte na ako ng buhay mo at ikaw sa akin. Kaya maghihintay ako.

Oh ano na? Naghahanap ka ng iba? Bored ka ba sa kin? Hindi mo ko type? Ay, oo nga pala “friends” lang pala tayo kaya okay lang makipag chat ka sa iba. Nakipag-videocall ka pa nga e. Ang sakit nun bruh kasi akala ko parang exclusive tayo pero putang ina… nagkamali ako. Tanga ko, bat ako umasa? Maling akala lang pala.

Oh ano na? Kamusta na mga naka-match mo sa Tinder?

Oh ano na? Kamusta naman sa Scruff at Growlr?

Oh ano na? Akala mo ba hindi ko alam? Akala mo lang yun pero alam ko mga ginagawa mo sa likod ko. Masakit pero hello? May karapatan ba ko masaktan? O sabhihin nararamdaman ko? “Friends” lang naman tayo di ba?

Oh ano na? Magkaiban lang tayo pero nagsesex tayo. Nagkikiss. Nagcucuddle? Friend pa rin ba turing mo sakin bro? Yeah, shit! Ayoko nito. Ayoko ng ganitong feeling. Yung nanunumbat pero putang ina naman. Konting respeto sana… Ako tong laging nandito para sayo e, para tulungan ka… I’ve always had your back bro lalo na nung mga panahon na wala kang pera, di ba pinakain kita? Eh nung wala kang pambili ng gamut? Di ba ako bumili? Lahat naman ng gusto mo sinusubukan kong ibigay eh pero di ata sapat yun?

 

Oh ano na? Kasi alam mo napapagod na din ako. Ginagawa ko naman lahat e pero bakit hanggang ngayon kaibigan pa rin turing mo sa kin? Okay lang. Tanggap ko naman. Hindi ako ka-level mo siguro. Ang gwapo mo naman kasi. Ang daming naghahabol sayo. Kahit sinong gusto mo pwede mong makuha e.

Oh ano na? Pampalipas oras lang ba ko? Dahil ba kapitbahay kita kaya ka nagtitiyaga sa akin? Dahil convenient ba? Bale, pag dumating na ba yun hinahanap mo iiwan mo na ko? Tatanungin kita kung bakit siya pinili mo pero may karapatan ba ko manghimasok sa buhay mo? Teka, kaibigan mo nga lang pala ko.

Oh ano na? Nagsawa ka na ba? Ako, malapit na e. Nakakapagod na kumapit bruh.

Oh ano na? Kamusta na kaya si Josh? Naaalala mo ba si Josh? Yun nakatira sa building mo? Yun naka “hang out” mo nung Christmas Party namin? Akala ko nga tulog ka na nun e, nasa kotse mo lang pala kayo “nagkukuwentuhan.” So “friends” lang kayo?

Oh ano na? May sakit ka ngayon. Malala? Kanser ata yan… pero sorry, nung una inisip ko baka may HIV or AIDS ka na… sorry kasi naisip ko na buti nga sayo putang ina ka… karma mo yan! Dahil sa ilang beses mo kong niloko yan napala mo.

Oh ano na? Sinong nagaalaga sayo ngayon? Sinong karamay mo ngayon ha? Ako? Andito pa din ako. Nagaabang. Naghihintay. Umaasa pa din na baka nagbago na isip mo. Baka ngayon na-realize mo na mahal mo na ko? Hindi pa din pala.

Oh ano na? Di ko na alam gagawin ko. Di kita matitigan ng derecho kasi laging pumapasok sa isip ko lahat ng katarantaduhan na pinaggagawa mo sakin noon. Porket di ako nagsalita hindi ibig sabihin na hindi ko alam.

Oh ano na? Pagod na ko bruh. Pagod na kong maging kaibigan mo. Pagod na kong ibuhos lahat ng atensyon sayo e. Pagod na ata akong maging best friend mo.

Oh ano na? Kung kaibigan lang din naman turing mo sakin eh ituring mo ko na parang kaibigan mo. Itigil na natin to.

Oh ano na? Meron pa ba?

Carry On

I’m really not sure where to begin. But looking back at how we started is the only way I know in order to figure this all out. For sure, there’s only one thing learned from all of this and that’s never assume anything.

I remember how it all started. I saw you one night coming home from work and I was immediately smitten. Yes, you were one of the most handsome guys I’ve seen in the condo and I set my goal into getting you to bed. I’m a whore, yes I admit. And all I wanted was to sleep with you and forget all about it.

So I waited, every chance I get to just see you. I spotted you on this app and started talking to you there. While you didn’t know it was me, I did my best to play it cool. Didn’t ask you to sleep with me at once or anything. I tried to be as decent as possible. Which, for me, is kind of really a challenge. And then one day we were talking that led you back to my room for drinks and a movie. A netflix and chill moment way before that phrase was even invented.

You made the first move. You kissed me and then we had sex. Days passed and we built a routine. You’d come home from work, meet me after, we’ll watch a movie and then you’ll go back to your room before dawn.

It was cool, we had some “thing” going on between us. And then it got deeper. We’ve gotten closer. Months passed and I assumed we’re special to each other. I assumed that we’re exclusive. But I guess, the more time you spend with someone, the more you see their flaws. I didn’t mind. You see, we’re not together so I don’t have the right to be angry if you use Tinder or other social chatting apps to talk to other people. My heart was breaking every time Tinder notifies you have a new match. It sucks, because I was almost there… almost falling. I was hurt but I guess it’s my fault because, again, I assumed wrong. I assumed we were something more than just friends.

You’ve lied to me countless of times. And through all of that I stayed. I don’t know why really. I stayed with you, by your side when everything in your life was falling apart. I took care of you when you were sick. I jeopardized my own job just to be with you hoping that by then you’ve had already changed your mind about me. About us. I was wrong. I was hoping for something that I couldn’t get so maybe that’s why I stayed.

So I turned a blind eye through all of it. Technically, you’re not cheating. Technically, we’re not together. Technically, this isn’t a relationship. What this is, is friendship. But fuck it. Friends don’t do what we do. Friends don’t hug each other passionately (well, on my part) and friends don’t kiss each other on the lips. And above all else, friends don’t fuck with each other.

So yes. I stayed through all the bullshit and all the lies. Because I hoped. Because I assumed. Because I knew one day you’ll change and see my worth. I gave you everything I could even if I had nothing. I sacrificed what little I have to make you feel comfortable. I went out of my way to do shit for you and this is how you repay me?

Yes. I’m stupid. Yes. I know the answer. I know you didn’t ask all of these from me. I offered. I offered to help you out because that’s what friends do. Because you’re special to me. But you choose to fuck with me over and over again.

You went to Pampanga with your mom and her fiancé. I knew you were with someone one night. I confronted you about it and lied to my face. I went home from our company’s Christmas party, called and texted you but received no response. The next day I got a message from you, you were “asleep” but I know. I know the truth. You were hanging out with someone in the car til 6 am.

But I stayed. I’m still here. Right? And what next?

I’m still just your friend. Always been a friend. And I’m afraid that after all of these, I’ll be just a friend to you. You’ll find someone else, you’ll fall in love, you’ll get into a relationship. And I’ll be here. Your friend.

It sucks. So bad. But I have to accept it. There’s really nothing much I can do I guess. I’ve done everything I could. If it’s not enough, it’s fine. I’ll move on. I just regret the time I wasted, the choices I made just to keep you… happy and satisfied when I could’ve offered my love and attention to someone who deserves it.

There’s a popular quote, “If you can love the wrong person that much, imagine what you can do if the right one comes along.” And I guess, I’m holding on to that. To that kind of love. To that kind of person. Someone who will appreciate everything I’m doing. Yes. I’m not expecting anything back. I’m not really that type who wants rewards for all of this. I guess, all I really want is to be shown some respect.

Anyway, I’ve already given up on you. On us. On what we have. I’m here. Still here. Because you’re a good friend. But I’ve given up all hope that we could be something more than that and I’m ok with that. Maybe I’m not the right person and it’s fine. I know I’ll find someone who will think I’m the right one for them.

So, this is me signing off. This is me giving you your freedom back. Freedom to do what you want, see whomever you wish to see. This is me letting you go because holding on to whatever shit we have right now is taking its toll. I love you. I loved you. But I can’t love you anymore.

I won’t hold on to any grudges anymore. You did what you did. But I can’t be the same person anymore. I can’t be the same guy you’ve met and fell head over heels with you. I’m not the same guy who will do anything just to make you happy. No. I refuse to be the same guy. I refuse to be the guy who’s willing to give up everything to make you happy and fuck me back.

I don’t need you more than you need me. You will survive this. You will find someone and I hope that someone will accept everything you are as a whole because I know for a fact that no one, no one can ever love you as much as I do. Just talk to my exes.

I’m done. Goodbye.

Britney

Britney Spears has and will always be someone I look up to no matter what. She was a hero to me growing up – at a time when I didn’t know who I was or confused as to what I’m feeling. I found someone who is confident about who she is and what she can do even if she’s very young.

I was around 11 years old when “Baby One More Time” came out and become a hit. I loved the song, I loved the video and I loved everything about it. I remember listening to it over and over again as a kid. I defended her when some of my friends said that she couldn’t sing like Christina. Well, to me, she was more than a singer, she’s an entertainer. And probably because I couldn’t sing as well. Kidding aside, I loved Britney since she first came out and followed her career religiously. When she had a very public break down, I prayed that she’d get over the problem that’s been plaguing her. I wanted her to succeed so bad, I wanted her to make a comeback. Yes, I’ve read all the articles about her mental breakdown, watched people mocked her and harassed her and hope that everything would stop. I wanted to be her friend so badly, I wanted her to keep going, I wanted to tell her that everything will be fine. That all of these are just challenges that she needs to overcome. Right now I’m just happy that Britney is back on her feet and happy as ever. I will be a fan from the beginning til the world ends.

The 6 Things You Should Do After A Break Up

The aftermath of a break up is probably the worst part of ending the relationship. Whether you’re the one who wanted to the let go or the one being let go of sucks either way. The end of the end is always the toughest they say because it means you’ll have to start all over again. And sometimes, the first step is always the hardest and by far scariest. There will always uncertainties towards finding the right path and the fear of the unknown when you’ve reached a crossroad. The many what ifs that you keep asking yourself over and over again and playing all the different scenarios in your head hoping for the same outcome time and time again. But you can do it no matter how many times you trip along the way. Yes, you can really do it. You just need the right attitude to go with what your feeling as of the moment and soon your situation will get better. At the end of the day you’ll need to make choice. Go back from the way you came from, go forward to different direction or stay exactly where you are without moving on.

Yes, there will be days that are truly unbearable – these are the days when everything doesn’t seem to matter anymore and that life suddenly has no purpose at all. These are the days when all you want to do is lie in bed, listen to Air Supply or maybe Adele and stuff your face with every food imaginable. And there are days when you can finally stand up and finally wash your hair and your pits and start picking up the broken pieces of yourself. It will take time trust me but when the right time comes for you to finally rediscover who you are then grab it by all means you can and soon you’ll come out a better person on the other side.

I’ve been through a lot of break ups and looking back I couldn’t help but wonder how exactly I managed to move on. While there aren’t scientific methods you could apply or steps you could follow in order to get over someone, there are also numerous ways you can do to forget that asshole that broke your heart. So here are my top 5 ways on how to move on after a failed relationship. These are just based on my experiences, which may or may not be applicable to you.

1. Erase him from your life.

Burn everything that reminds you of him. All the gifts he gave you, all the letters he wrote to you, and basically all the bullshit that you got from him. Burn it all. Okay, that may sound over the top but for me, it would be difficult to move on if you’ll keep surrounding yourself with stuff that reminds you of the relationship. Fine. If you don’t want to burn them, at least, hide them all in a box far up your attic.

The second part of this process is by unfriending him on all of your social media accounts. This is what I did with my ex actually. While it may not be the most mature way of handling things, I feel like it’s the most effective way to help you move on. I didn’t just actually unfriended him but I blocked him on my Facebook (including our common friends – all of his friends actually and advised all my friends to unfriend him too). I blocked him on Instagram and Twitter too. Seriously, the last thing I need is to see his posts on my feed and the last thing I want is for his friends to even know what I’m up to. Just seeing his handle might bring up old memories, which could either hurt me or fire me up so I’d rather not. Now that your digital connections are officially “disconnected” it’s time for number 2.

2. Travel

Yes. The best remedy for a broken heart is to discover new places and experience a whole different culture and who knows, maybe even meet someone a long the way. But everyone deserves to travel and explore the world once in your life. Be it with someone special to you or alone it doesn’t matter, do it yourself and for your own sake. This way you’ll realize that the there’s a whole world out there and a bigger picture you need to see other than the one you built for each other. That life doesn’t just revolve around the two of you. Traveling will make you forget all the shitty things he put your though and all the bullshit will all seem insignificant when you start opening your eyes to the possibilities.

My ex and I traveled throughout Indochina when we’re together. Frankly, the trip was our last chance to salvage an already dead relationship. Traveling together with your partner, with just the two of you, can be really challenging but if you survive the test then it’s worth the fight. Sadly, in our case, he broke up with me as soon after we arrived back in Manila. I admit I had done things that are truly unacceptable too but I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

For the 20 days we spent traveling across Vietnam, Cambodia, Thailand, Laos and Myanmar, we had moments where we wanted to kill each other and moments where we both realized how much we love each other. But through the test and trials, at the end we realized that we’re not ready to continue on.

3. Spend time with your loved ones – your family and friends

My friends always complain that as soon as I get myself in a relationship I start disappearing from the face of the earth. And I guess that has been a problem of mine all along. Whenever I’m in a relationship, I always make sure to make that person my number 1 priority, which meant missing special occasions like birthdays and all. It’s my fault that I started missing so much of what’s going on around me because I was too focused on my relationship. That’s why after a break up you should start spending more time with your friends and hanging out with them. Go out in clubs and get wasted every weekend. Let yourself go and meet new people. You’ll be surprised how much fun it is being single again and the idea of hooking up with so many hot people can be thrilling actually.

Spend time with your family. Treat your parents on a date. Travel with your siblings and take your niece and nephews out at the park. Remember who you are before you met that fucking bastard. Remember that you had a life before he ruined it. LOL. And remember that you still have a life to live now that he’s gone. Losing him is not the end of the world nor is it the end of you, just remember that you have so much to live for and that there are so many people who loves you.

4. Focus on your work

Yes, you’re still probably hurting. You’re still confused by what’s happening. You’re trying to replay the past week, month or year you’ve been together and wondering what you did and if you had done something wrong or if you could still do anything to salvage the relationship. Now. Stop. Don’t think about the things you could’ve done or the things you could’ve changed while you were together because honestly that’s just pathetic. Now, whatever you’re feeling. The pain, the anger, the loneliness – channel all of this to your work. While I know it’s hard but all these emotions you have can actually help you get motivated. Use this energy in a positive way and who knows, you might even get a promotion out of it.

Now that you don’t have anyone to worry about but yourself, you can just start focusing on you and your own happiness. You don’t have anything to keep you distracted. No one to bother you at work and no one to worry whether that person is cheating on your or not. Now you don’t have to wonder if he’s really just meeting his friends or colleagues or cousin for drinks, you can just worry about what bottle of alcohol you’d want to drink after the day ends or what movie are you going to see after shift.

Relationships take so much energy and if you can channel this energy to your work then your boss will probably be very proud.

5. Binge-watch new shows

Just avoid rom-coms and watch a lot of TV while you’re in the process of moving on. Believe me, this is the best way to distract yourself from a bad breakup. You can start with Mr. Robot and HBO’s Game of Thrones then move on to Netflix shows like Orange Is The New Black, Sense8, Stranger Things and of course Logo’s Rupaul’s Drag Race just for kicks. These shows don’t really focus on love stories so you’ll be fine. At least these series can take your mind somewhere else other than the failed relationship you have.

6. Love yourself

We’re the generation that grew up watching Disney princesses. From Cinderella to Snow White to Sleeping Beauty and Little Mermaid, we were raised to believe that somewhere along the way we’d find our Prince Charming to kiss on the lips and awaken us from our deep slumber. We were made to believe that we need a Knight in shining armor will come and rescue us from our imprisonment and save us from the dragon that’s been guarding us our whole life. We were made to believe that we’re damsels in distress in need of a hero to save us so we can finally be happy as if that’s our sole purpose in life. To just freaking wait.

While I’m not a girl and I’ve been comparing myself to princesses here but generally this applies to all genders. We grew up searching for that person that will make us whole. We grew up believing that we’re just half a person and that we’ll never be happy because we need to find our soulmates. So maybe that’s why we all get fucked up every time a relationship ends because we never really, truly learned how to be happy on our own. That’s why before you get into a relationship you need to make sure you have your shit together. Make sure that even if that person leaves, he wouldn’t leave you a half person you were because you were already whole to begin with. Make sure you’re happiness is not dependent solely on him or that everything you need to do is dependent on him.

In this ever-changing world, the best thing you could do for yourself is to discover who you are. Find out what you want to be and be that person. You don’t need to change yourself in order for someone to like you. You just need to be confident that that person will like you because of you are and not who you pretend to be. Because honestly, in the long run it will be both of you who will suffer because you built a relationship with lies and deceit as its foundation.

So yes, love yourself first. Love yourself fully, Love yourself enough to know that you’re not to be messed with, that you’re not be fucked it and that you’re not be cheated on. Love yourself to realize that you deserve more than to be treated like shit. That you deserve someone better, someone who can match your wits and equal you in all aspects. That you deserve someone you can love but live without. Someone you can be confident with and someone you don’t have to be insecure with. Someone who can challenge you in so many ways and someone you will love to grow and grow old with.

Now look in the mirror. Who do you see? Do you like what you’re seeing? How much do you value yourself? If you’re willing to compromise your inner self just to be accepted by someone, just to be loved then rethink because maybe that person doesn’t deserve you and your love at all. So don’t waste your time, there are billions of people in the world and you’re most definitely meant for someone who will look at you and see you the way you see and value yourself.

You can’t rush love, that’s true. You need to be patient. If you look around you, really look, you’ll notice how many people are breaking up because they weren’t patient enough to discover and love themselves first. They just have the wrong notion that in order to be happy, they need to find someone. Don’t be like them. Be independent. Find your own happiness.

Okay, so that probably escalated too quickly. But the bottom line, I guess, is, if you don’t want to feel broken after a break up then you should be more careful in choosing your next victim. Kidding. But seriously, you need to start with yourself. You need to start taking care of yourself first. Prioritize finding your own happiness and reaching your goals. Trust me, everything will fall exactly on its place the moment you least expect it.

So go on with your life. Delete him and move on. Get yourself out of a bubble and let yourself sink further in from the past. Forget about him. Go see the world and try something new. Go on an adventure! Life has so many things to offer and the possibilities are endless. Explore! Spend time with the people you love, that’s the real relationship you should take care of. Focus on your career, get a promotion or find a new, interesting job that will enhance and challenge your skills. And lastly, just fucking love yourself. Because if you do then the world will fall in love back at you.

Stroller

I’ve always been a sad kid. Well, not everyone thinks I am but that’s how I’ve always seen myself as far as I could remember. When I was in grade school there was nothing more I wanted than a stroller. Everyone in the class has one except me. At first, I didn’t mind but eventually I realized how convenient it is to have one. I’ve always used a backpack and it’s taking a toll on my shoulders and back. Imagine bringing home your books to school everyday – I’m actually surprised it didn’t affect my growth (vertically). So, one day we we’re walking back home from somewhere I could no longer remember. I saw this stroller and asked my mom if we could buy it. She said no because we didn’t have enough money back then. I wanted it so badly but I also understood our situation. We weren’t rich so I simply accepted our situation. When we got home I remember going straight to my room and cry. It wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t want my mom to see I was upset about the whole thing because I didn’t want her to feel guilty at all for not being able to buy it for me. I was fine. Honestly. I just need some space to let it all out, get some sleep and forget about it. That’s how I’ve always been and even now I deal with pain, rejection and hurt the same way I’ve dealt with them since I was a kid. I deal with them alone. I cry alone and get over it. Sleep cures everything. Sleep helps you forget.

I fell asleep crying. The next thing I remember was my mom sitting beside me. I know how she felt and the pain of not being able to provide your son what he wants must’ve been painful for her as a mother. I could live without that stroller. I’ve been using my backpack as far as I could remember so I don’t think it would make any difference whether I got a stroller or not.

So when I’m quiet, when I feel like being alone, it’s just me processing my feelings. The last thing I want is to say something I’d regret. The last thing I want is for the people around me to feel guilty, to feel sad for me. So at the end of the day, I know I’ll be fine.